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Thursday, May 18, 2006

Ready For Casual Friday




Weird Fact :
850 peanuts are needed to make an 18 oz. jar of peanut butter.
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Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the exorcist?
A: Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!
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Death Toll Mounts in Worst Polish Air Disaster Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small, two seater Cessna airplane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in Central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The identities of all but the pilot and co-pilot were found at the scene on large blocks of stone. An onlooker commented that Polish flights are not usually so well documented.
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The lady walks in a fish market and asks the owner "How much are your crabs?" The owner scratched his head and said "They're about $1.00 a piece" "My, my..." beamed the woman. "Shake hands with a millionaire!"
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Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
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A man phoned his doctor late at night saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis. "That's impossible," the physician replied, peeved at being woken up. "She had an appendectomy last year. Dont be stupid. Only a moron would wake me up for something this idiotic. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?" "No, asshole!!!", the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?
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Jordan, my 3-year-old son, has expressed an insatiable curiosity about human anatomy. This completely innocent curiosity recently led to the most embarrassing moment of my life! A few weeks ago, our family chose to sit in the front row at Mass on a Sunday. During the homily, when the priest was speaking, Jordan decided that it would be a good time to ask questions which he deemed appropriate. Being 3, Jordan has not learned the difference between whispering and speaking out loud. Jordan (loud): "Mom, look at my penis, it's standing up!" Mom (whispering, attempting to distract): "That's interesting, dear. Let's read this book I brought for you about how Jesus loves all the little children." Jordan (louder): "But Mom, I can't get my penis to go back down. It's coming out of my pants! Look, Dad!" Dad: "Jordan, be quiet, we're at Mass!" Jordan (upset now): "Mom, look at my penis!" Justine (my 9-year-old daughter, whispering agitatedly): "Mom, make him be quiet, take him out!" Mom (continuing the calm and collected facade): "Jordan, look at these great blocks Mom brought for you to build with." Jordan (louder): "Mom, why is it sticking up?" Then, without waiting for an answer, Jordan began talking to his penis. Jordan (very loud, in a commanding voice): "Penis, go back down where you belong and stop bugging me!" At this point, I was trying to grab Jordan to take him out, and at the same time cover his mouth. I heard chuckling and laughter from the pews around us, and a distinct break in the priest's homily as he pondered this unexpected interruption. My daughter was hanging her head and shaking it, and my husband mouthed the words "Get him out of here." My face was three shades of red as I led Jordan out down the long aisle and listened to him continually repeat the same inquiry: "Mom, why won't it go down?"
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said... "Waiter, I'm a little confused, but these are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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A man dies and goes to Heaven. The angel Gabriel meets him at the Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour. The man sees various groups of people all standing around and talking to each other. "These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel. "And over there are the Jews, and the Hindus. Over here are the Muslims, and over yonder are the Jehova's Witnesses." In fact, the man sees every religious group, every nationality, and every culture in Heaven. Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall. "Hey, what's this wall doing in Heaven?" asked the man. "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that wall are the Mormons. They like to think that they're the only ones here."
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2 Comments:

At May 19, 2006 8:35 AM, Blogger James Baker said...

Hi, Fellow!I like your blog!
I just came across your blog and wanted to
drop you a note telling you how impressed I was with
the information you have posted here.
I have a pet center
site. It pretty much covers pet center related subjects.
Come and check it out if you get time :-)
Best regards!

 
At July 15, 2006 12:28 AM, Blogger StillWater said...

Wow! Semi permanent make up has alot of uses! But did you know that a woman consumes over 4 to 9 lbs of lipstick in her lifetime! Here is the link that I found that shows all of the research:

http://www.lipink.com/lipstick_wax_s/6510.htm&Click=33586

 

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