FIVE KINDS OF SEX
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey- moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*ck you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised. "Well, then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door," the man said. She did. He then said, "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead... take it out...," he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it...and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said... "Hello, Mom can you hear me?"
Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
FOUR CATHOLIC MOTHERS were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies. She wants more and they do it once again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself." While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've made love to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What are you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
Do you know that the average American works until lunchtime
every day just to pay his federal, state and local taxes?
So if you are going to fool around at work, do it in the
morning on the government's time.
Aubrey Meek was brought before the court on the charge of
refusing to obey a police officer. "Why did you refuse to move
on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge inquired,
obviously wondering what unexplained force could have given such
a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.
"It's like this, your honor," explained Meek. "My wife said I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to choose between man's law and wife's law."
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
A real exchange, while I was mixing drinks for me and my wife:
Her: You're trying to get me drunk so you can take me to bed, aren't you?
Me: I don't need to get you drunk to take you to bed.
Her: Are you calling me easy????
Me: No, just cooperative.
LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER
She married and had 12 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."