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Sunday, May 21, 2006

Some Puns




PUNS

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

W-E-H-T-H-U-R: Worst spell of weather in months!

If they cloned Cher - would she then be known as Cher and Cher alike?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Hitch hiking is not a good rule of thumb.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye.

There was a guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for lack
of concentration.

It was raining cats and dogs. There were poodles all over the road.

"That makes a thousand Philistines," Samson said hairily.

"I should get another thorny plant," Tom said morosely.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to
the full extent of the law. --

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but
Sunday."

3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

On a box of birthday cake candles: "Do not use soft wax as ear plugs
or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

When my cat lost her three male kittens, I had to call missing purr
sons.

You may not take a second polygraph test because they can't be re-
lied upon.

The history of cheese is full of holes, but it's interesting in its
own whey.

I'm not sure if I've seen that door chime before, but it rings a bell

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell
disaster.

His girlfriend wanted him to slow down the car, but he put his foot
down.

Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left.

Those who make balls of wool for a living like to come home and unwind.

The doctor blood-tested secretarial candidates before hiring to
eliminate type-O's.

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I
procrastinate. I said, "Just wait!"

Gravity, it's always putting everyone down.

My new expensive vacuum cleaner really sucked.

When the tailor fitted the wrestler, he said he was tough to pin.


Purchasing land in Baton Rouge won't bayou a thing.

I once had insomnia so bad I was awake until it dawned on me.

When a son said that his ambition was to drive an army tank his

father said, "I won't stand in your way."

Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.

All good one liners are one character too

The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse.

A guy became so good with a chainsaw that he was promoted to branch
manager.

A small boy went to the counter to pay for his lunch but he was a
little short.

Old romance novelists never die, they just run out of steam.

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender
here?"

When the Southern-style wedding moved her to tears, she became the
belle of the bawl

The diners declined oversized meals because they were fed up.

Soldiers in plays like to Shakespeares.
er working for 24 hours straight he called it a day.

When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.

Some people don't like food going to waist.

Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's
plane food.

Successful dieters might win the Nobelly prize.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

He became a math teacher due to some prime factors.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

The couple who met in a revolving door are still going round together.

A nut named Hazel held up a bank saying 'give me all the cashew have'.

Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Nylons give women a run for their money.

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A butcher shop opened on the 10th floor. The steaks were high.

Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.





Real Estate phrases and what they REALLY mean:

* Charming: Tiny. Snow White might fit but five of the dwarfs would have
to
find their own place. See 'Cute,' 'Enchanting,' and 'Good Starter Home.'

* Much potential: Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and
believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See 'Ready
to
Rehab.'

* Unique city home: Used to be a warehouse.

*High-Tech/Contemporary: Lots of steel shelving with little holes -- the
kind your dad used to store his tools in the basement.

*Daring designs: Still a warehouse.

* Completely updated: Avocado dishwasher harvest-gold carpeting. Or
vice-versa.

* You'll love it: No, you won't.

* Sophisticated: Black walls and no windows. See 'Architects delight.'

* One-of-a-kind: Ugly as sin.

* Brilliant concept: Do you really need a two-story live oak in your
thirty-foot sky dome? See 'Makes a Dramatic Statement.'

* Upper bracket: If you have to ask....

* Must see to believe: An absolutely accurate statement.

* Reduced to move: Been on the market for years.

* Close to school: Backs up on basketball court.

* Extra storage: Four hooks.

* Has real potential: Enter at your own risk.

1 Comments:

At May 21, 2006 9:54 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

You find the funniest pictures....and jokes too. (LOL)

 

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