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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Stay Politically Correct when

Note: Blogger and I have fought for three days. I give up. Comics and other pictures can just blow the template here. The pictures are often worth a blown template.
After all a picture is worth a thousand words.

Stay Politically Correct when describing a woman.
*** She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
*** She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
*** She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
*** She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
*** She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
*** She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
*** She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
*** She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
*** She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
*** She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
*** She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
*** She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
*** She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
*** She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
*** She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
*** She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
*** She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
*** She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
*** She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
*** She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
*** She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
*** She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
*** She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
*** She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
*** She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
*** She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
*** She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
*** She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
*** She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
*** She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
*** She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
*** She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
*** She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians. Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died. A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad." ...Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck. Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night. How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb. A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear. Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland, a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up. New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up. For years the medical professional's have been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead! The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
all but the last are original. The last one is a modified version of an oldie.
Questions and answers about Mad Cow disease.
Q. If I drink milk from an infected cow, will it harm me? A. Of course not. I drink 5 glasses of milk a day and it doesnt bither me a bot. I am the same today as I was tomorrow.
Q. So how can I tell if I am infected from this meat? A. They say memory is affected. What was your question?
Q. What can you do with infected cattle? Killing them seems so inhumane. A. Well I have 6 in my backyard and they think they are a herd of geese. Q. Is it true the infected cows come from Canada? A. Let's listen to the cows and see..... Eh Mooo eh moo, eh meow
Q. Are there any infected cows in Quebec? A. Again let's listen.... Le Moo, Le Moo, Le meow
Q. Can this disease be sexualy transmitted? A. Buddy if you ask this question, switch to! sheep.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage. He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years. She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask." "Well, the husband says, there is one thing." "What is that," says the wife? "A blow job," says the husband. The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blow job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok." So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a blow job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings. The husbands answers and says, "Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, cocksucker, it's for you."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left my baby on the RTA bus again!"




Brokeback Deputies

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

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