I stepped into the restroom at our company headquarters and found this
handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers... "Please
push button and listen for a short message from the Vice President."
While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was
explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party" After
discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone
didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man "My Wife"
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Murphy's Laws: as seen by Nurses
(Murphy's Law:"If something can go wrong, it will")
A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a
finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
It's your first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell
happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer
the most advice and the least support.
The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance
from the bedside.
As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in,
and take a look at the wound.
The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful
paperwork has no phone number on it.
Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated
with bodily fluids.
The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5
minutes before shift change.
You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need
anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters
the way down the hall.
The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell
more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the
English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned,
gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the
depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a
rash of admissions.
If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of
As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from
hell and just want to go home to bed.
*File Description: Job Interview Quotations*
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience
interviewing prospective employees.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm restle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the
interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped
and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few
minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how
to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that
have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates
during the interview process.
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.