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Sunday, May 21, 2006

Sunday Evening Posts


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My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog. Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
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The old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her husband died. This is what she put on his tombstone: "The Light of My Life Has Gone Out." Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and married another man. After thinking at some length about it, she went to the gravestone cutter and had him add a little postscript. The tombstone now reads: "The Light of My Life Has Gone out P.S. I Found A Match"

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
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I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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Recently we called a business phone number and heard the following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.
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Heard on my cable-company's answering machine: We realize you are still holding. Please do not hang up as this will further delay your call.
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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
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REDNECK RULES FOR CALLING ?SHOTGUN?

If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by automobile,
one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for him/herself the
right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously the most desirable.

It offers such advantages as:

~ more leg room
~ own personal vanity mirror
~ ease of egress and ingress
~ social prestige
~ panoramic view
~ air-bag safety feature
~ better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
~ rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal

Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of the
horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins, another
person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend off attacks
from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.

The Rules:

1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken leg, if she does not call "shotgun" first, her butt is going into the back seat.

2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fistfight will
determine the ultimate winner--unless the contestants are girls. In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight, or a "pout-off" can be held instead.

3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (ie. fuel or potty
stops), the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again.

4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up
with a large portion of physical harassment from the backseat "shotgun" loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory.

5. Pre-'shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.

6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.

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