Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Wow! That's really neat! Where'd you get him?" "In France," the parrot replied. "They have millions of them."
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?" "I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
He's a man of many hats...
A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York City,
when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. Being an old
man who walked with the aid of a cane, he wasn't able to catch up with
Across the street, a young guy saw what was happening, rushed over and
grabbed the hat and returned it to the Rabbi. "I could not have
retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!" He
then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this
must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the
first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. "A Stetson
hat," he thought, "This is a sign!" He bet $50.00 on Stetson, and sure
enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named
'Fedora' was at 30 to 1! "A fedora is also hat!" he thought, so he bet
all his money on Fedora, who came in first as well. "Just one more
race, and then I'll go home and surprise my wife!" he said...
At the end of the day the guy returned home to his wife. She asked him
where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he
was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses
which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the third race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it
"You fool! Chateau is a house, *Chapeau* is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said, throwing his arms in the air, "The winner
was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke..."
Funny but Dumb Quotes From the World of Sports
"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players'
union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
"He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size." -Offensive
coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown
"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he
pronounced his name, 1966
"Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good." -Tom
Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)
"I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so
much prettier than all the other women in sports."
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is."
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.
"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual,
too." -Don King, boxing promoter.
"Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see
better. Other than that, everything is the same."
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.
"It's basically the same, just darker."
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to
Sunday afternoons, 1991
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
-Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator