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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Think and then enjoy


Think about it. This coming weekend there are many that will need it.






Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a turkey?
A: A pussy gobbler.
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We thought it best to help both the students and parents prepare of college with this little gem of wisdom. What the Professor Says (designated by "S"') and its interpretation (designated by "I") S. You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. I. I used it as a grad student. S. If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course. I. If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course. S. The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important. I. I don't understand the details either. S. Various authorities agree that... I. My hunch is that... S. The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class. I. I don't know. S. You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question. I. I don't know. S. In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view. I. I really don't know. S. Today we are going to discuss a most important topic. I. Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.
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Show and Tell
Miss Figpot gave her kindergarten teacher gave her class the Show and Tell assignment of bringing something to represent their religion. The first little boy went to the front of the room and said, "My name is Benjamin. I'm Jewish and this the Star of David." The second child was little girl who said, "My name is Mary. I'm Catholic and this is the Crucifix." Little Johnny then made his presentation. "My name is Johnny. I'm Baptist and this is a casserole."
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A little truck driver was driving when he saw a sign on a farmer's gate post that read "$100.00 to anyone that can make my horse shake his head no." He stops and goes to the farmer and says, "I can make your horse shake his head no." "Well," says the farmer, "No one has ever been able to do it before so have a go." The driver picks up two flat rocks, moves to his rear end and slams the horse's nuts between the rocks. Then he whispers into the horses ear. The horse shakes his head from side to side, No! The little driver goes into the farmer and says, "Well, I made him shake his head no. Give me my $100.00." The farmer pays the wee chap and asks, "What did you say to him?" The little guy says, "I just asked him if he wanted me to do it again."
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A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents. That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm. The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!" Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!" So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"
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Divorce laws can make you crazy. One state says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery. That's weird. The Ten Commandments say you shouldn't, and the state says you have to.
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A woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"
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One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from playing bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, . . . if he could fuck, he could fly."
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A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years, when one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, presently he spies a rowing boat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowing boat reaches the shore carrying a man in a Captain's uniform. "Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued." "How long have you been here?" asks the Captain. "Ten years, ten long years," replies the man. "Ten years?" says the Captain, "How have you coped all that time on your own?". "Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house, there it is, over there, Number 1!" "But ten years!" says the Captain, "Ten years with- out sex!" "Ah well, that's not quite true," says the man shyly. "What do you mean?" enquires the Captain. "Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!" "Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain. "Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step!"
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Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says. "How so?" his friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me." "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Was that not love?" "No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."
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3 Comments:

At May 25, 2006 11:17 AM, Blogger Junebugg said...

Damn, that's funny. Thanks for the giggle, I needed it after working in the yard and flowerbeds for 3 days in a row~~

 
At May 25, 2006 6:58 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!

 
At May 26, 2006 5:21 AM, Blogger Patty said...

Glad you girls enjoyed them.

 

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