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Sunday, May 28, 2006


This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic. The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!" The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll. Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy. A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am." Supplier, "That's great!" Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience." Supplier, "Realistic then?" Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
* The world according to men
Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life. If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories. A handjob a day keeps arthritis away. Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill. Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles. Intercourse prevents divorce. Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells. Sex eliminates headaches. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Green
A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on." "Could you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked. "Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them." The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked. Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?" "Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks. "Yes," she replies. "You're checking for any abrasions or abnormalities." "That's right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies. "Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes-which is what I came here about in the first place."
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. " Alberta Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.... "No sister, the paper says it was the ' Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two old farmers had hauled a truck load of squirming hogs eighty miles from their west Kansas farm to the nearest market. The old truck had overheated twice; the hogs were keeping the truck rocking, even when it was stopped, and the hot summer Kansas wind was drying them out fast. Within three miles of the market, they passed a tavern and pulled in for a couple of draft beers. The place was dimly lit and air conditioned. After about 20 minutes, one says to the other, "It's going to be really hard to get up, but I reckon we ought to." About that time, a quite obvious prostitute walks up to the bar, works her way in between them, and says, "You guys look about ready for action. I'll do anything you want me to do for $60." The old farmer pulls three $20 bills out of his pocket and replies, "Here you go, Ma'am; git that load of hawgs to the Maple Street auction barn."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Tricky Dicky, a used car dealer, was determined to break all sales records with his 'like new' models. A large sign in his window announced: "One Blonde Free With Every Car." A delighted young stud plunked down his money and, in hot anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a few preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear. She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Jill was really peeved! She was arguing with the druggist because her favorite cure-all could not be bought without a prescription. "Look, lady. You can't have this without a prescription because it's a habit-forming drug." "IT IS NOT!" yelled Jill. "I ought to know...I've been taking it regularly for seventeen years!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Persuasion was necessary, but the amorous man had finally gotten his girlfriend between the sheets. In due course he made love to her, finally burying his sword in her sheath and beginning to screw away. "Be careful," she panted. "I think I have a weak heart." "Don't worry," he said, without missing a stroke. "I'll take it very easy when I get up to the heart!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day, when she hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home early from work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she sticks him in the closet and successfully covers up every part of his body except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints his balls red with some spray paint. Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors to get out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging there. "What are these?" he asks. "Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale this afternoon," she answers. He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together, but all he hears is "uuuggghhh." He says "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me try again. So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them together. Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH." He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them. So he stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them together. At that moment the guys sticks his head out of the closet and screams, "DING DONG, SUCKER, DING DONG!!!!"

2 Comments:

At May 28, 2006 7:00 PM, Blogger jarhead john said...

As usual, truly high class entertainment. The two alligators had me busting a rib.

 
At July 22, 2006 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very pretty site! Keep working. thnx!
»

 

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