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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Thursday Morning Tasteless Giggles




Dear Used-To-Be Spouse : Reflecting on our lousy marriage I wish to confirm my first hand observations...namely that you are, and will always be feckless, ineffectual, fustian, abortive, insipid, vapid, obtuse, tedious, tiresome, banal, trite, arduous, onerous, prosaic, mundane, canaille, reprobate, miscreant, intemperate, sanctimonius, ignominious, timorous, irresolute, fatuous, prosaic, inane, insipid, vexatious, opprobrius, gratuitous, invidiousness, repulsive, obnoxious, odius, repugnant, invidious, pernicious, and by all observations...a sex-less fool. Respectfully...Your Ex
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Things You'll Never Hear a Father Say 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know-- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100. 1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal.
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Little Johnny
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat; which bounced off the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched" "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't FUCK with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!"
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Afghan
During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital, Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, MD. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M." An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel. "It's a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan. "There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."
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I went for piano lessons when I was a young man... I loved the finger exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes and say the lesson was over. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered that I was going into the wrong building... The Music school was right next door to a bordello... I can't play squat on the piano... but boy, can I finger!
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According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
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Olympic
This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights, and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty minutes of wild sex, they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy. At this point, the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass, and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previousexhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same sweltering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola! Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed.......only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team
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Hooker
Three hookers were comparing notes about their customers from the night before. "I entertained a cowboy last night", said the first. "How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second. "Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together." "Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree. "I entertained a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time." They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer. "I had a grain farmer for a client," commented the third. "How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked. "First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."
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Lawyer
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"
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Redneck Link
http://rednecktrev.googlepages.com/home





"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething. Have news. Debbie.
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"I'm finished with Debbie!" Tom exclaimed to his friend. "What did she do?" asked his buddy "She broke down and told me she was bisexual. "That bothers you that much?" "Yeah!!! Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"
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How can you pick out a paranoid Woman? She's the one putting a Condom on her Vibrator.
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A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up screwing everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about her promiscuous past and thought the daughter was still a virgin. He decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I'll teach you a way to fool your husband. Here's what you do, place a cored apple in your hole before you go to bed. Everything will be nice and tight and he won't even notice the difference." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice. This went on for a few months. Now, every time the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. Her husband came into the washroom, saw the apple and thinking his wife had left a snack for him he ate it. "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" he said. Shocked, the daughter dared not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back. Peter found it and ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago your father made the same mistake and he was fine after eating my watermelon!"
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