Today's White Trash Mess
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too
An elderly couple is having a meal in a small tavern. The husband
leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex
together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where
you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old times sake?"
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
these two old-timers having se x against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on
them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious se x that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got
to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must have had a fantastic sex together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving
Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions...
(like the Darwin awards here in the USA)
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his
hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead
in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith." His lawyer
told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."
To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat,
but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call
that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone
To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with
his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on
To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round
her coffin in a New York funeral parlor, sat bolt upright
and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were
short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter,
Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above
him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when
it fell on him.
To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to
Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and
Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to inter-
course ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital
cigarettes in a nonsmoking compartment.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop on Atlantic Ave. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went
up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a shit. It wasn't my car, I came downtown by bus. I try to have a sense of humor!
There was a young bishop from Trest, Who openly practiced incest. "My sisters and nieces, Are all dandy pieces, And don't cost a cent," he confessed.
Joey was hanging in a bar and his friends asked him if he had scored lately. Joey told his friends man I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever, the only problem was she was a total Butterface! His friends asked him what the hell is a Butterface? Joey answered everything about her was "HOT" BUT HER FACE!
A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who was carrying out a survey. "Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex." "Really!" said the woman smiling. "Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?" "Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass"!
A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'. She sorts of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts 'BE SILENT!'. There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to
the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.
When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker.
And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the
auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do...
with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and
every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
from the circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough
we actually send them to the "Internal Revenue Service"."
"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And...
about once a year, they send us a
little prick like you."