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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Tuesday's Tickles.



A friend of mine had five kids. When the youngest finally turned 16, and was the last one left at home, my friend posted a sign on the kid's bedroom door: "Check-out time is 18."
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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
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An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the hand brake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill." So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. "Now, go and open the trunk!" So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldier's request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"
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Ole lived across river from Clarence whom he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other. Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!" This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses. Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vould?" Ole says, "OK, by yiminy I tink I vill do yust dat". Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home. Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?" Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river"
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I was recently looking over Hazeltine's "Instructor in Martial Music" (1810) when I noticed a line under the Gamut for the Fife which read as follows: "The learner should endeavor to blow every note clearly and distinctly, by either turning the fife in or out as occasion may require. Having learnt the two preceding scales perfectly, the learner may proceed to practice on the first tune, "The Drops of Brandy", and if he is not too much given to that liquor, perhaps a few drops in reality would do him no material damage."







A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water." At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels. Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read: "Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."
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Jim, Bob and Mike go to Heaven and are met by St. Pete. St. Pete says: "Hey, glad to have you. Heaven's a great place; we have a dance every Saturday night and this great Cadillac you can drive around heaven. There's only one rule: God's favorite animal is the duck. If you hit a duck, your punishment is that you have to attend the dance with the ugliest girl in heaven. Remember, this is a big place, so she's pretty ugly." Jim says, "No problem," gets in the car and drives around for a couple of hours. When he shows back up he's got a sad look on his face. "What's the matter?" asks St. Pete. "I hit a duck," says Jim. "Well," says St. Pete, "you know the rules...you have to go to the dance with the ugliest girl in heaven.....and she's pretty ugly!" Bob says..."No problem." He gets in the car only to return with that same sad look. "Hit a duck?" asks St. Pete. "Yep" says Bob. "Well, you'll have the second ugliest girl on Saturday night" said St. Pete. "Remember... this is a big place so the second ugliest is pretty ugly." Mike, being the big-shot that he was, says, "No problem." He jumps in and drives around for six hours! When he returns he was asked, "Have any problems?" "None at all," he replies. Saturday rolls around and in walk Jim and Bob with the ugliest and second ugliest women in heaven. They're so ugly that people can't stand to look at them! They looked across the room only to see Mike with a beautiful blonde on his arm. Jim and Bob become furious and decide to complain to St. Pete. "Look!" they say, "We were good on earth...volunteers, coaches, etc. And we come here and simply hit a duck and have to come to the dance with these two!! That's not fair! Look at Mike...that's not fair!" St. Pete says, "Boys, let me tell you a little secret...just before you guys showed up here this week, see that girl that Mike is with? Well, she was driving the Cadillac...and well......she hit a duck."
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The printing of newspapers, magazines and books offer limitless possibilities for error, human and mechanical. When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples: Important notice: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord." It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day. From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon." There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent, that is, torn -- not rented. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
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2 Comments:

At May 23, 2006 6:43 AM, Anonymous kristinaQ said...

I like the one about the guy and his girlfriend's deaf parents

 
At May 23, 2006 6:49 AM, Blogger Patty said...

Hello Kristina Q thanks for stopping by. WELCOME anytime.

 

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