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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Tuesday's Tickles.


Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop,
and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out
his guns, and fires. Blam! Blam!

"All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"

Blam! Blam!
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Ok, the US Government has been listening to our phone
calls. And now they want lots of Google's records so
they can find out what we've been searching for on the net.

Look on the bright side: All this means they don't
have much time left over to read our e-mail.


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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the
vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both
ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep
this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair"
hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes
to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for
a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know
I'm using it on my schnauzer."
>
The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing." Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left."
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day, wishing something wonderful would happen to his life, when he passed a Pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk... vus macht du... yeah, you... outside, ... eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "What did you expect? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night long he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America; about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride; about his family; about his wife and children; about his years of working in the garment industry; and about sunny Florida. The parrot listened and commented while sharing some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. Before long Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more. On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they were quite a spectacle. Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, the Rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet... even odds... that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish, or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed... but not a peep from the bird. Meyer become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray!" The parrot said nothing. "Pray, parrot! You can pray... do it now while everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing. After services were over, Meyer realized he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home... very disgusted, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird... you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah... why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be stupid," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur !"
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A Mother and her five year old son were headed to McDonald's one day. On the way they passed a car accident. As was the tradition when they see something terrible like that, they say a prayer for those who might be hurt. The mother pointed and said to her son, "We should pray." From the back seat she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands. "Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?" The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is." The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?" "Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."
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A woman was terribly overweight, so her Doctor put her on a diet. Doctor Say's "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, I bet you will have lost at least 5 pounds." When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded Yes, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." The Doctor looking somewhat puzzled Say's: "From hunger you mean? "No, From Skipping."
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My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing." Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George should invest only small sums. But George threw caution to the winds and six months later sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers! Now send me some "retrievers!"
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3 Comments:

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At June 05, 2006 2:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At July 22, 2006 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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