Tuesday's Un-P.C. Giggles (R)ated
After a somewhat enforced term of government employment at a very unacceptable. but non negotiable, salary, I decided to pursue a college degree to improve any future financial rewards available for the use my personal services. After discharge from my Uncle Sam's care, It was apparent that he obviously felt some guilt over screwing me over for the past few years and reluctantly agreed to help fund my matriculation at a local college. I graduated from the school, with luck and a definite degree of sacrifice Trying to balance study, partying, many part time jobs, partying, standing in line trying to justify my right to claim unemployment dollars as I could not find anyone looking to hire a 50 caliber machine gun operator. partying, plus my social service volunteer work, helping available nubile female students pass their human sexuality classes, and imbibing at parties, it was amazing that I survived. I really never felt any allegiance to the school itself. Once I was outta that particular pile of bricks, I harbored no particular desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive, join any alumni associations or attend any athletic events. But sure enough, a few years later, someone in the Alumni Affairs staff called my parents, and tracked down my current phone number and called. "So, what have you been doing with yourself?" the perky alumnus inquired. I responded, "Oh, not a lot. Just hot wiring and stealing cars, running a little moonshine on the side, when I'm not running a few hookers ." Needless to say, I haven't heard from them again.
A new twist on an old joke...
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer" .... HE GOT THE JOB
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a Twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first haircut. When her turn comes, she brings her Twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the Twinkie out for a bite. "You're getting hair on your Twinkie," the barber playfully warns. "Yes, I know," she replies. "And I'm getting boobs, too."
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs. Drugs are for people who can't handle reality.
Make a noise like a frog A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" The little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Funa and addictive little game
A guy sees a buddy and notices that his friend's car is total wreck. It is covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "So what the heck happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned
a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See,
which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's
seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See
saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw
sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just
because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the
"Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded
cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes
looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you
see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look
in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather
perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you
order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." The waiter replies,
"Ah, so sorry, I bring you Peeking Duck!"
While hiking in the mountains one day I came across a gorgeous gorge
that I thought was an echo canyon. I shouted "Hello there." but the
response sounded to me like "Hello where?" I tried again. "How do you
do?" A moment later the report came back sounding like, "How do I do
what?" Baffled and amused I decided to give it the ultimate test.
"You're not really an echo canyon, are you?" The response from the
big ditch confirmed my suspicions. "Brilliant deduction, Einstein.
I'm a sarcasm."
Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience. The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat." The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.
Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is from New York, and the last is from St. Louis. A good looking woman walks by ... the man from California states "She's about an 8." The man from New York states "No, no ... she's a 6." The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1." The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, she was not that good looking." All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first. The man from California exclaims "9" The man from New York cries "8.5" The man from St. Louis says "2" The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all types." Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight. The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10" The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5" The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Are you gay?" "She was beautiful!" The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser method." The man from California asks "What is that?" The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how many Clydesdales (horses) it would take to pull her off my face."
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "That's how they communicate!, Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."