A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to
prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up
his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies in this area have been cancelled.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out!
"Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman. "Yeah," his buddy replied," she's gorgeous." "Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan." "Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?" "If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing." "Sounds perfect." "l almost got hurt once, though." "How?" "Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener."
Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness.
They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
A young couple wander off to the bushes during a softball
game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking.
After awhile the guy abruptly stops.
"You know," he says, "we've been doing this for weeks now and
I think it's time we had intercourse,"
"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it
hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us."
The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well if it hurts start
making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good,
start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're
The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes
and get down to business. Ten minutes later, everyone within
a mile hear the following:
"Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon Riverrrr....!"
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS
We've all heard about people having guts or balls..
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your
wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having
the balls to say: "You're next."
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus
and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled
back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought
that was rather strange and then he brought Sean into identify the
body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll
him over" The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,
"No, it ain't Paddy" The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean
said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???"
said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"