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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Wed nite giggles

All his life, Cohen (the ubiquitous, Cohen) has wanted to own an elegant, made-to-measure hand-tailored suit with all the exacting details not found in an ordinary off the rack model. But he was a little guy, not very successful in business, and could never afford one. Later in life, however, things took a turn for the better and he eventually managed to set aside enough money to finally make his impossible dream come true, and he goes off to a very expensive tailor to get fitted. The great day comes, the suit is finally ready, it's gorgeous, it fits like you wouldn't believe. And... so many "extras!" He proudly wears it home, and can hardly wait for Mrs. Cohen to see him in his elegant new splendor. "Oy, is she in for a surprise!" he thinks. When he walks into the living room, she's reading the paper. "Mama, I'm home." cheerfully announces Cohen. She glances up, grunts, "Ehh", and goes back to her paper. He tries again, "Look, Mama vot I got on, a whole brand new hand- tailored suit." Again, short-shrift from Mrs Cohen, "Ehh." He goes on, "And, look, hand-stitched lapels yet." Another, "Ehh." Undaunted, the poor schlep, trying vainly to impress her, says, "And, Mama, take a good substantial look at dis...on de full-pleated pents...a full length, easy sliding zipper like you've never seen on my pents before!" Mrs. Cohen finally looks up and answers, "So? Schwartz, next door, has a two car garage, and vot comes out? A bicycle!"
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Sam, from the garment center in New York, went to Miami Beach for a winter vacation. While walking down Collins Avenue, he was approached by a luscious blonde, who whispered into his ear, "I'm selling - are you buying?" Sam said, "Sure, I'm buying." So they went to a hotel room and made love all night. A week or so later, when Sam went back to New York, he came down with syphilis. After weeks and weeks of painful treatment, Sam was released by the hospital. As he was walking along Fifth Avenue, the same blonde came over to him and whispered, "I'm selling, mister - are you buying?" Sam looked her straight in the eye and asked, "So what are you selling now, cancer?"
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I've got something you don't have!" A little boy and girl were outside playing and they were very competitive. The little boy said "My wagon's bigger than your wagon!" The little girl said "No it's not!" The boy said "Is too! Let's measure!" They measured and the girl said "Oh gosh, it is." They played some more and the boy said "My daddy can beat up your daddy!" The girl said "He can not!" The boy said "Can too! Watch!" The two fathers fight and the little boy's father wins. The girl says "Oh gosh, he can." They play some more and the little boy smiles and says "I've got something you don't have!" The little girl says "Do not!" The boy says "Do too! Look!" He pulls his pants down and shows her. The little girl starts crying and runs into her house because she keeps losing. A little while later she comes out with a big smile on her face. The little boy says "What are you so happy about?" The girl pulls up her dress and says "My mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
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One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?" "Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air." "Yes," said the priest, "your knees!"
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Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous, of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink. if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no one will know" The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that drunken lush Nun again is it?"
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Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah; there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana; there are only 50 nuns living there." The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho; there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell?...... there aren't any nuns living there.
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An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of those houses. There, he asks the keeper a fox, of course for a mate. "For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox. "No, better give me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit. "But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit like you alive!" says the fox. "Never mind, just give me the woman -- I want a big, long, cold Boa snake," answers the rabbit. So he is taken to this incredible Boa female. Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second. But, because it's an Angora rabbit, the Boa, with its stomach irritated by the fur, spits the little animal out, so powerful, that the rabbit lands two kilometers away. In the end, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge smile expressing happiness and content on his face, and proudly says to himself: "Oh, boy, what a blow job!"
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