Wednesday is White Trash Day
Did you hear about the confused person who put his chin on the curb
to get his mind out of the gutter.
Paying for college is often a matter of in-tuition.
The police caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom
window, stood on a set of scales and gave himself a weigh. (BadPuns.COM)
I taught my pet shelty to play the piano. She was excellent when she
played Chopin or Debussy. Unfortunately, her Bach was worse than her
The liquor merchant was heavily invested in a particular brand of
popular whiskey but the newly elected governor was looking for a way
to enhance revenues. A law was pushed through that levied a special
new tax on all hard liquors. The frantic merchant, eager to maintain
his large stock of whiskey quickly devised a plan to disguise his
product as wine. Late into the night he laboriously soaked every
bottle and re-labeled it as red wine. Knowing that this alone
wouldn't really fool anyone, he also opened each bottle in the crate,
added a bit of red food coloring and re-sealed it with a cork. It was
a case of Dewar dye! )
Bill's friend Harry went in to consult a world famous specialist
about his medical problem. After he's been given a thorough
examination, Harry asked:"How much do I owe you?" "My fee is $500,"
replied the physician. "Five hundred dollars? That's impossible,
that's too much." Protested Harry "In your case," the doctor replied,
"I suppose I could adjust my fee to $300." "Three hundred dollars for
one visit? Ridiculous." Groused Harry. "Well, then, could you afford
$200?" asked the Physician. "Who has so much money?" replied Harry.
"Look," replied the doctor, growing irritated, "Just give me $50 and
be gone." "I can give you five dollars." Harry said. "Take it or
leave it." "I don't understand you," said the doctor. "Why did you
come to the most expensive doctor in town?" "Listen, Doctor," said
Harry. "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive
Under fire from European governments the U.S. announced today that instead of secret overseas flights, interrogators are considering a new contract with Airbus. "We think it has real possibilities," said an unnamed CIA official, "stand people up against a wall, strap them to a board, and fly them at 30,000 feet for five hours surrounded by people talking on cell phones. It's way, way ahead of anything we're working on now. "For the tougher cases we can always slip into a holding pattern over Chicago. However, our attorneys have advised us that showing Deuce Bigalow as an in-flight movie would violate the Geneva Conventions."
CHEER UP!!! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes.
CHEER UP!!! Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your knuckles with a ruler? She's 75 years old now, and she has arthritis.
CHEER UP!!! If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone. Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)
CHEER UP!!! The worse things get,... the less you have to lose!
CHEER UP!!! You'll be happy to know that your local newspaper is made of 50% recycled material. That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.)
CHEER UP!!! Miss Manners has finally been discredited. It's rude to tell other people what to do!
CHEER UP!!! Sigmund Freud has been discredited, too. It's lewd to tell other people about their poo.
CHEER UP!!! Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban housewife backs the family car through the garage door.
CHEER UP!!! No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home.
CHEER UP!!! The time you spent reading this email could've been spent more productively. But you're not bothered because you're one of those well-adjusted people who really doesn't give a crap.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change
During his air test a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed
with flying colors.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack
don't yell out Hi Jack!
Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show.
Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.
He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay
They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for
If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.
Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.