Tuesday, May 30, 2006

White Trash Anyone?

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As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research
at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up
the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master
strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after
opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless
leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed. "How old are you?"

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."


: Heard it on the radio...
SR-71 Pilots
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as
Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13
miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other
aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really
control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a
Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same. "120 knots," Center
answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause, then the
response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I
was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a
click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that
precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we
both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed
readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I
1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 0 (60,000ft.) The incredulous
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't
plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it..." He was cleared...
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,
"one of those dreaded seven-engine approaches!"
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

"Naval Student"

A young naval student was being rigorously tested orally by an old sea

Captain: "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on starboard?"
Student: "Throw out an anchor, sir."
Captain: "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir."
Captain: "Suppose another horrendous storm sprang up forward, what
would you do?
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir.
Captain: "Hold on. Where are you getting all those anchors from?
Student: "From the same place you are getting your storms, sir."

You know you're in California when...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.

5. You can't pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS
George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary
rep is a guy in drag.

17. You can't pot illegal?

18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH 2003."

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by
the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an ear ring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


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