White Trash Wednesday Already
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?" Sarah says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess. Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
A college professor has a reputation for offending women in his anthro- pology classes, so a bunch of students got together and agreed to walk out the next time it happened. The next week, while discussing an obscure African tribe, the professor leered and said, "Do you know that the men over there have penises twelve inches long?" With that, the students rose and headed for the door, adhering to their boycott agreement. "Oh, come on girls," snickered the professor, "the plane doesn"t leave till Sunday."
A farmer finds his son behind the barn pulling his pud, and the old man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to get married." The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father. The next morning, the farmer goes behind the barn again and discovers his son flailing away, just as before. "Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that!" "Ah, pa, she ain't got no grip at all..."
Did you hear about the game show contestant who mooned the camera?
His ass was in Jeopardy!
Q: What's the difference between a Man and a vibrator?
A: One is cold and impersonal, and the other needs a battery
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixty-fifth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to
their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked
back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what
to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the
money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning.
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here
Kathy Smith, West Coast TV-news anchorwoman, claims that off-camera
and without makeup she wouldn't be recognized. To avoid attracting
attention in her Seattle neighborhood, she asked her children not to
tell people what she did for a living. One day, while her five-year
old son was getting a haircut, she overheard him reply to a question
from the barber about her work. "I can't tell you what my mom does.
All I know is she gets all dressed up and goes out at night.
I wish to complain - the instructions on your deodorant were very
misleading. I followed your instructions on a stick of deodorant to
the letter: 'Take Off Top, Push Up Bottom,' and was left semi-naked
in some not inconsiderable pain. And it didn't help my perspiring.
Now I understand my error, but it's time that the writers of these
instructions take responsibility for the resulting actions. The
slogan on the front - 'Sure Wont Let You Down,' was correct, I was
unable to sit down all morning.
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary
My wife's friend, a teacher, was discussing compound nouns with her class. "They're made up of two or more words," she said. "For example, 'townhouse' or 'boxcar.' Can anyone think of another one?" One boy raised his hand and offered, "Asphalt."
The doctor explains to the heart patient that he would be able to resume his sex life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded. The patient listens attentively and then says, "What if I look for women who live on the ground floor?"
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Antonio Banderas' father was a policeman and his mother was a teacher. Before breaking his foot when he was 14 years old, Banderas had dreams of becoming a soccer player.
While working in the psychology department at Glen Oaks Community
College in Centreville, MI, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a
meeting. I called the copy room and asked, "Can I get something blown
up down there?" After a pause the voice on the line replied, "I think
you want the chemistry lab."