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A Lawyer In Heaven!
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
The Old Fart & The Vixen
An elderly man married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding went fine and they left on their honeymoon.
The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program after they went to bed that night. The young wife felt that he was probably tired and let him sleep for a while. A couple of hours later she was really horny, so she decided that this had gone on long enough, but wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge. She woke the old fellow up.
"What's the matter," he asked.
She purred, "This side of the bed is to hard, I want to lay on your side."
The old fart scratched his head, got up and walked around the bed. He then got in on her side and went to sleep.
A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate things. She was just so hot, so she awoke him again.
"What now?" he asked.
She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more comfortable let me lie on that side."
Again he got up walked around, got in, and went to sleep. By this time, she was really ready to make hard, passionate, sex.
She really didn't care at this point how it would appear to him. She awoke him again and said, "No, I was wrong your side is more comfortable. Instead of getting up, why don't you just crawl over me and I will scoot across the bed?"
He started over and she stopped him right on top and held him.
"Now, do you know what I really want?", she asked, holding him tightly while squirming a bit underneath his old body.
He replied, "Yeah! You want the whole damned bed! Well, you aren't going to get it!"
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a
small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger
asks the ship's captain.
"I have no idea," says the captain; "but, every year when we
pass by here, he goes crazy."
THIS IS SO FUNNY
Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to
have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each
bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on
them. They won't know the difference."
The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are
walking home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?"
"Well, she never
moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave
little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.
Looking in the shopping mall for a cotton nightgown, I decided to try my luck in a store that was known for its hot lingerie. Well, to my delight, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the queue to pay, out the corner of my eye I notice a young lady behind me, holding exactly the same nightgown I had picked.
Naturally, this confirmed what I had suspected all along: despite being the wrong side of 50, I still have a very 'with it' attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
A scroungy dirty lookin guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No chance. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up to the piano and starts playing Elton John songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly great on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing Michael Bolton numbers. He has a superb voice and great pitch. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $400 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the 400 bux and hands the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you nuts???! You sold a singing frog for $400? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"