Yo Here Ya Go
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my
brakes and sue you.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Don't make me mad - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to
I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.
*Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold on!
MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."
MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says,"I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson, sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what
Can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and Top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what
Your ass is for."
These are actual newspaper ads:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD
85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat...been out a while..better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED..
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300
Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA P! EACHES,
California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married
last month.Wife knows everything.
Ten Best Caddy Replies
# 10 Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
# 6 Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
# 5 Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 Golfer "How do you like my game?"
Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment ..
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
HUMOR IN UNIFORM
OUR AIR FORCE unit was put on standby during Operation Desert Storm. While we were passing time, the conversation turned to field chow halls andMREs (Meals Ready to Eat). I said that the powdered eggs weren't so bad once you got used to them. In response, my buddies came up with a verse in the tradition of Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham:
"I will not eat them in Iraq,
I will not eat them in attack.
I will not eat them in the rain,
I will not eat them with Hussein;
I will not eat them here or there,
I will not eat them anywhere.
I do not like powdered eggs and ham,
I do not like them, Uncle Sam."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by A1C James D. Perri