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Friday, June 02, 2006

Assorted & Warped For Friday



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says,
"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through
the
forest,you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"The giraffe looks at
him,
looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come
running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so
good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then
tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up heroin...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come
running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The
lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit
out
of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, and ask him "Lion, why did
you
do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "Every time he's on Ecstasy that little shit makes me
run around the forest like an idiot for hours!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was this little grey mouse that worked in a factory pulling wires
through conduits and every evening after work he would stop in at the
neighborhood bar for a beer or two before going home. He was unmarried
and well liked by the bartender, he always cashed his paycheck on
Friday
night and had more than two beers.
This particular Friday night the mouse was setting at the bar
having a beer and this strikingly beautiful long necked lady giraffe
comes in and takes a seat at the end of the bar. The mouse looks her
over and she is checking out the mouse. The mouse told the bartender
to
give her a drink and soon they are seated together. The bar fills up
and the bartender loses track of them. The bartender can't wait to hear
how it went with the mouse and giraffe, but on Monday the mouse don't
show, nor on Tuesday or Wednesday, but on Thursday he comes in, his fur
all roughed up, his eyes bloodshot, and his tail just dragging the
floor. He climbs up on a stool, orders a beer and as the bartender set
it down, the bartender asks how it went, and why are you looking like
you were run over by a Mack truck?
The mouse answers, it was just wonderful. The bartender says
what caused you to look so bad, the mouse said "between the kissing and
the loving, I've run 900 miles."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"The Truth About Scooby-Doo & Co"

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from
their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is
what
the show was really about. As we've gotten older, it has become more
clear what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing
as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the
Mystery Machine.

WHAT WE REMEMBER: Four teenagers and their trusted dog
gallop across the country in their purple and green van
solving mysteries of all sorts -- and in the process
meet all kinds of interesting people.

THE TRUTH: Four high-school dropouts and their sentient
dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love
machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and
they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve
a mystery.

It may be hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence...

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration
for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress
and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner',
i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is
constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie
and swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not
generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks,
which
are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter,
eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do
whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry
all the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that
Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it
helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world -- they
drove to China once). These other characters do have their own
peculiarities however...

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the
group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no
real mystery what these two are really doing -- they're
getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine.
Daphne, with her pretty pink legs, and Fred are
constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped
up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery
though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around
his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the
cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out
in the later episodes, she was also into bestiality.
Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who
was a dog yet spoke perfect English, was obviously a
product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around
the world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating
hash brownies, and screwing their dog, while all the
while looking for the perfect 'hit'. Oh if we had only
known these things when we watched this cartoon as
children...





My Duck Is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!," she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."



Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

1 Comments:

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