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Friday, June 09, 2006



~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
Back when Prince Andrew first became engaged to Fergie, he spoke to his
father, "Fergie assures me she is a virgin. How will I know if she is?"

"It's simple, son" replied Prince Phillip. "On your honeymoon night,
when you get into bed, if she's clumsy, nervous, makes mistakes and is
not sure what to do, then you can be fairly sure she's a virgin. But if
she gives you instructions and tells you what to do, you'll know she's
a
lying slut who's slept around."

After the honeymoon, Phillip asked, "How was it son?'

"Just great, Father" said Andrew. "It was just the way you said... and
no doubt about it - she's definitely a virgin."

"Was she nervous, son?" asked Phillip.

"She sure was Father" Andrew replied. "In fact she was so nervous and
confused that when we jumped into bed, instead of putting the pillow
under her head, she was in such a state she jammed it under her arse!"
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
A married couple had just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

The husband, tired of the same old sex, says to his wife, "Honey, I
want
to try something new to spice up our sex life."

"Sure" said his wife. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well," said the husband, "I really want to try cuming in your ear."

"WHAT?! What are you, crazy? That's disgusting, and besides, I could
become deaf!"

"What do you mean, deaf? You've been giving me blowjobs for over 25
years, and you haven't become dumb."
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
10 Commandements of a Teenager!!!

1) Thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)

2) Thou shall not do drugz (alcohol last longer)

3) Thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger
selection)

4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a
bigger
effect)

5) Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has
more
money)

6) Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)

7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)

10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave
them in the middle
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*



This guy Chris gets a call from his buddy John one day, and John is on
the phone crying.

Chris asks, "John, what's wrong? You sound really upset."

"Well," replies John, "my wife's been cheatin' on me."

"With who?" asks Chris.

"The neighbor," replies John.

"That damn dirty slut!" says Chris.

"Yeah," replies John, "you think I'm upset, you should've heard how
upset the neighbor's husband was."
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off,
so he orders his driver to drive him to this new
exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.

Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states
that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants
to return home, but not Shloyme!

Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."

His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign?
They'll kick you out immediately!"

Shloyme says, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish."
and he leaves for the gate.

So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three
hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked
out by two body-builder type guardsmen.

The driver asks: "What happened?"

Shloyme says,"Everything was fine until we played hole
number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of
these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what'll I do
now?' And then the waters separated and everybody
knew..."
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name
of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible fo r a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
"cocktails", "highbal! ls" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*




Mongolian VD

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in
China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not
use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back
home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his
penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The
doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders
some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says:

"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well,
give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known
cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a
second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah,
yes, Mongolian VD. Vely ware disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already
know that, but what we can do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make
more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait
two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down
in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was.
Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first
fight last night."

Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."

Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat
Clothile
is Catholic."

Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was
too."
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
Ole & Lena lived on a lake in Nordern Minneesoda. It was near the end
of

winter, and spring was yust beginning.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across the frozen lake to the yeneral
store
to pick up some tobacco. She asked for some money, but he told her to
"Yust
put it on our tab".

So she valked across, got the tobacco & valked back. Then she asked Ole
"Vhy
didn't you send me with any money?".

Ole replied, "Vell, I vasn't going to send any money ven I vasn't sure
how
tik the fokin' ice vas."
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans, North Carolinians, Virginians, West
Virginians
and some from South Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama and Texas will no
longer be
referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. Thank you. Now if
you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
A man had been in a terrible car accident,
and woke up in the hospital. Looking around,
he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed.
"Jesus doc," the man exclaimed,
"what happened. Where am I."

The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car
accident, and you're in the hospital, but
don't worry, you're going to be all right.
The bad news is that we had to amputate your
right arm, above the elbow."

"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead.
I can't go through life without my arm.
Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like
this........"

"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles
of modern medicine today, we can give you a
Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars,
and it looks and works just like the real thing.
Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."

"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the
hell am I gonna get a million bucks.
I'm better off dead."

"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been
looking for a case like yours for a while now.
We just came up with a new arm. For only ten
thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks
just like the more expensive one, but the only
difference is that this one has a small
microphone built into it, and you have to TELL
the arm what to do.
Other than that, it works just like the other one."

"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford
ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."

The next day, the guy woke up in the same
bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again.
"Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all
right?"

"We think that the operation was a success,"
replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try
it out, and let us know if there are any problems
with it."

Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed,
practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he
commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right."
The arm moved to the right. "Move left."
The arm moved to the left.
Everything seemed to be working without a
hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a
sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.

He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john.
"Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm
obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed
flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he
was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave
it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The
arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said,
"that feels pretty good......jerk it off."

(Ouch....)
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*



A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front
of him he see's a big jar full of 5's and a little
card it reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you
have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into
the bathroom. 2 minutes later they come out and the
horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.
So the guy takes the money and leaves.

THE NEXT DAY:

The same guy walks in the bar again and see's
the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
Cost $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the
bathroom. 4 minutes later they come out and the horse is
crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar
but before he could leave the bartender asks
"How did you do that?" The guy says "The first time I
told him my dick was bigger than his and the second
time I showed him!"
*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got
married and it was the first night of his honeymoon.
His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing
only a scanty silken black nightdress.

Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked
with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the
foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply
stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his
erect penis.

This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement
being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his
penis and the movement of his head from side to side
as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist
with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore
off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide
open waiting for him to take her.

Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to
the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk
across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared
intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread
legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an
agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out,
"For God's sake what are you waiting for?"

Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis,
blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even
more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her,
"I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or
the easy pink."
~*~**~***~*~**~*~**~*~*
The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example
of
love.

Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest
together, I think that is love".

Very good said the teacher, anyone else?

Little Johnny stood up and said i think love is "fucking".

The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to
come back without a note from his father.

The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked,
"Do
you have a note from your father?"

Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love is fucking and anyone that
says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock
suckers."

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