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Monday, June 05, 2006

Click and Comment Monday



Bluenecks Are NORTHERNERS. By now I'm sure that you have heard all the
Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at
their
Northern cousins: YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY spicy!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5. You have never, ever eaten okra, fried or boiled.

6. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

7. You have no idea what a polecat is.

8. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

9. You don't have bangs.

10. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

11. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his
own TV fishing show.

12. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them
"you guys," even if both of them are women.

13. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife
show.

14. You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your
university than to pay the the head football coach salary.

15. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
(Not to even mention duct tape!)

16. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting
on
an on ramp to the highway.

17. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

18. You call binoculars opera glasses.

19. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of
the road and stopping.

20. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

21. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e.Joe Bob,
Faye
Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).

22. You don't have doilies, and you don't know how to make one.

23. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

24. You can do your laundry without quarters.

25. None of your fur coats are homemade.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May I have your..."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number
first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu.
Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is
014
266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure
and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Mea Pizza.You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokier Dishes" from
the
National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how
much
will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
is $
49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is
over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last
year"

Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your
housing
loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw
Some
cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily
limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How
long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come
and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What !"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a
Scooter,...registration number E1123..."

Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
You
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles
of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're
also
diabetic....... "
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Three salesmen got snowed in at a farmer's house. They had to spend thenight, and one salesman had to sleep in the attic, as there weren'tenough bedrooms. The farmer, being a trusting soul as most farmers are,allowed his two daughters to sleep with the two salesman, each in theirown bedrooms. Before retiring, the three salesmen discussed whether theywere going to score that night with the two daughters. They devised acode of signals so that each could let the other two know if they weresuccessful. The first said he would make the sound of a train horn andyell, "Freight train through bedroom one!" The second said he would yellout, "Mail train through bedroom two!"Sometime after retiring, sure enough, the yell "Freight train throughbedroom one!" was heard. A short time later, "Mail train through bedroomtwo!" was heard. Not wanting to be outdone, the salesman in the atticblurted out, "Handcar through the attic!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first
cow
said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They
say
it
is spreading fast! I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The
other cow replied, "Heck, I ain't worried. It won't affect us ducks."


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help
you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one
hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges
fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job.
My
father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about
your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant!"

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know
what my father charges for Elmer."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Cubicle Problems.....
1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all
day!
2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who
is behind me.
3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of
gun fire.
4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will
get a piece of cheese.
5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
8) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
9) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
10) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
11) If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle
inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't
hear you."
12) If your boss calls you and asks you to come into his office for a
minute the walk there is like a funeral march... people hand you
tissues
as you pass and refuse to make eye contact.
13) You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by
the
time you turn to look they're gone.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of
students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to
his students, "Sometimes, this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a
Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he
thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What
condition do you think he's suffering from? " The first student
replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality
disorder? " The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't
know whether he's Carmen or Goering."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Todd came home after a late-night poker game and was greeted by Jill, his nagging, sourpussed wife. "And just where have you been all night?," Jill demanded. "Playing cards," says Todd, "but that's not important. What matters is that I lost you to Phil Thompson." "Lost me!!" Jill screamed, "How did you manage that?!" "It was a heartbreaker," Todd admitted. "I had to fold with a royal flush."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Jill goes to see the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her name is called and she's taken to the examination room. The Doctor asks, "Ok Jill, what is your problem?" "Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out! The doctor says, "Don't be nervous, I see things like this all the time. He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks... "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

4 Comments:

At June 05, 2006 5:03 PM, Blogger Rebekah said...

LOL. Loved the 'Blueneck' one!

 
At June 05, 2006 7:31 PM, Blogger Patty said...

Long time no see kiddo. Missed ya.

 
At June 11, 2006 6:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
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a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
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At June 11, 2006 7:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 

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