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Friday, June 02, 2006


The following are the new Windows messages that are under consideration
for
the next version.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.

Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
off."

To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

BREAKFAST.SYS halted ... Cereal port not responding.

COFFEE.SYS missing ... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted ... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user.

Windows VirusScan 1.0 - Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)

Welcome to Microsoft's World -- Your Mortgage is Past Due.

Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been
deleted. The police are on the way.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

----OOPS

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern
California's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic
work the
:firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the
:photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke
Was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make it impossible for
Him to get good photographs from the ground level. He requested
Permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from th air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call
The local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single
Engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
:
:Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
:hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
Shouted,:Let's go!"
:
:The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared
Down the :runway Once in the air, the photographer asked, "Can you fly
Over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some
Pictures of the fires on the hillsides?"
:
:"Why?" asked the pilot.
:
:"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and, I
Need to get some good close-up shots."
:
:The pilot was strangely silent for amoment. Finally he
Stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"





An Amish woman and her daughter were riding
in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter
said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The
next day the daughter was riding with her boy
friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in
the buggy with the daughter. He said,
"My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving
with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is
frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving
in the buggy with her mother again, and she
says to her mother, "Have you ever heard
of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes.
Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of
a mess when they defrost, don't they?"


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The Thinker


It started out innocently enough...

I began to think at parties now and then-to loosen up. Inevitably,
though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a
social thinker. I began to think alone-"to relax," I told myself.

-- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important
to
me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home.

One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my mate about the meaning
of life, but she just spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job.

I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop
myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau
and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
"What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in.

He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the
job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if
you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears
of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the
emotional
drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into
the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass
doors... They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
night.

As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining
your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from
the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why am what I am
today: a recovering thinker.

Now I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since
the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, I registered to vote Democrat!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth.
Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better
than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these
connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly
unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your shit while you're in the shower.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our
children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does
not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process
information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of
the foundation that their personalities will be built on.

I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be
sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and
knives cut flesh.

So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to
her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I
decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.

"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little
hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me
with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband
if you talk so damned much?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache.

Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white
mustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white
mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Commander Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the "Commander" stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name,
not a damn thing

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The teacher asked the students to bring one elec-
trical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next
day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring? "I
brought a Walkman."

"And what is it for?"

"You can listen to music with it!"

"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?" "I
brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't
bring anything!" "Yes, I did. It's in the hall."

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"

"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep
your heart going."

"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing
this?"

"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of
people
outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was
there.

A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."

"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a
hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new
technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a
large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy,
would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he
said
to the ticket man:

"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train
in
Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall
asleep.
so
what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have
to
close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have
100
Francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I
get
really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out
of
this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had
said
he fell asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in
Frankfurt. He
was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at
the
ticket man.

"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake
me up
in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were
also
in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says
to
him:

Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"

Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the
train
in Mannheim."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Another month ends ...


* All Targets Met
* All Systems Working
* All Customers Satisfied
* All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
* All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

9 Comments:

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At June 05, 2006 11:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At July 22, 2006 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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