Friday Afternoon Funnies
On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say, "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
A man had just finished reading a new book titled "You Can Be The Man Of Your House".
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen."From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my guess."
Weird Fact of the Day:
Airports that are at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The makers of French's mustard recently made the following statement:
"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our
product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has
there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country
of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The
only thing that we have in common is the fact that we are both yellow"
Big John limped into the pub looking like he'd been run over by a
truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his arm
and leg in a cast. His friend bought him a beer, then asked, "What
the hell happened?" He said, "Remember that smashing redhead, Ginny,
I met here last night? So sweet and pure as the driven snow? Well, I
went on a date with her tonight. I ended up having to fight for her
honor and purity." "Yeah. But that little honey was determined to
It was a summer night in 1942 when we landed in a small inlet on the
coast of the Red Sea. Our orders were clear. Dressed as Bedouins we
were to cross the Arabian Desert to meet our contacts near the Nile
where we were to obtain vital information regarding Rommel's forces.
We were given a map showing each rivulet and creek as we could carry
only a limited amount of water. We had to travel primarily at night
because of the extreme heat. Each time we reached another creek on
the map, we would find only a wadi, totally dry this time of the
year. In spite of extreme thirst and dehydration, we finally
staggered to our assigned destination where we were met by Arab
nomads loyal to the Allied cause. We explained that we had crossed
the desert without water as every river bed was dry. "Of course," we
were told, "you went from one ex-stream to another."
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out!
"Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman. "Yeah," his buddy replied," she's gorgeous." "Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan." "Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?" "If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing." "Sounds perfect." "l almost got hurt once, though." "How?" "Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener."
Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness.
They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
Paul was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous woman. He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped open and he was drooling. The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring her outfit. She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?" Paul replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I