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Friday, June 23, 2006

Friday night Giggles


..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

Hoax Slayer
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Cut Copy and Paste Tutorial for Computers
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Horizontal Effects
http://tonebytone.com/ftute/hr-effects.html

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Have you ever noticed the mannequins in the store have the bra-less
look?

They have a sweater on with little points.

Why would I buy a sweater that can't even keep a mannequin warm?

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
A fellow was about to enter a bar when a dog tugged at his trouser leg
and said to him, "Hey, pal! Wanna make some quick money?"

The man couldn't believe his ears. He said to the dog, "Can you talk?"

"Yeah," the dog answered, "and that's how we can pick up some easy
money. You take me into the bar with you, pretend I'm your dog, and bet
everybody I can talk."

The fellow thought that was a great idea, so he took the dog into the
bar, set it on the bar, and announced to everyone that the dog could
talk. The other patrons didn't believe him, and it wasn't long before
several thousand dollars had been bet. Finally, after all the bets had
been placed, the guy said to the dog, " All right, go ahead and say
something."

Nothing.

He told the dog again, "Hey! All the bets are placed! Say something,
for
God's sake!"

The dog just looked at him and whined.

He, asked again and again, but the dog wouldn't say a word. Finally,
the
fellow had to pay all the bets, scooped up the dog in disgust and
walked
out. Once outside, he screamed at the dog, "You just cost me way over a
thousand dollars! You got anything to say before I seriously boot your
mangy arse?"

"Take it easy, pal! You ain't thinkin'," the dog answered. "Tomorrow
night, we'll be able to get odds of fives or better."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Girl: "I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte."
Boy: "Great, isn't it?"
Girl: "Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him."
Boy: "And that is?"
Girl: "You have to put your hand in your own blouse."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
One day Johnny was doing his homework. He was up to spelling and he
needed to spell harassment. His teacher told him to have a parent
recite
the words so they can practice writing it so Johnny looks up to his
mother and says, "Mom, how do you spell harassment?" His mother
replies,
"You know I can't tell you. Just sound it out." With that Johnny wrote
down on the paper.

The next day at school Johnny's teacher calls him to the front of the
class and asks him to use harassment in a sentence. Johnny holds his
paper up to his face and looks down at number 10. "Her ass meant so
much
to me."


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. We invented them."
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~




Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby
was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home
from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that
if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or
even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they
came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When looked in the
crib, he said ",What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, and,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision.

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be screwed if he needed
glasses!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Cowboys, Muslims and Indians

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger
loung in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is
a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third
passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana
State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and
the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The
wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is
flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he
speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are
few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my
people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose
that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and
from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause
we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English h language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit,
or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell
others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between
shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit,
and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck
when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are
just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you
feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of
weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without
a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and
come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and
hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of
shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT
January 2009 Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first
night in the White House. She has waited so long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best
serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




Bubba and Cletus went to watch their favorite team, the Georgia Bulldogs, play football. At half-time, the mascot walked out to the 50-yard-line, sat down, and started licking his balls. Bubba said, "I wish I could do that." Cletus came back with, "That dog w'ud BITE YA!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Happily married men have a woman who cooks, lives to make love, and works. If he's lucky, the three will never meet.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a politician.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed toward the Earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in two days at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the Earth forever. France and the UN have requested that the US send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it and watch it in the morning?
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q: What does a man with a ten-inch dick have for breakfast? A: "Well, this morning I had bacon, eggs, juice."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb... that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Boy the desert is hot and dry today. As I was driving along I passed this good looking old gal walking alone side the road. I stopped and ask did she have problems. She said, "Yes, my old car broke down back up the road a ways. I said, " If I can get it fixed or take you some where to get it fixed want's in it for me." She said, Dust I've been walking over an hour."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~




Reviews of Hillary's New Book

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her
personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to
sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what
it
was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting
married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife.
Then on page two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno

"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she
said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.'" "No, I'm sorry,
that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she
has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of
the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed.
He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment
family." - David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new
home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used
to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."
-
Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his
campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise
made,
a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend
the night on the couch." - Craig Kilborn

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America.
Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her
because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It." - Jay
Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New
York.
When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . the one
with only seven commandments." -David Letterman

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
We can't always have everything we want! One woman laments that she wants to be a bear. Actually, what she says is this:
"If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup. I wanna be a bear."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
An old Italian, Mafia Don, is dying and he calls his grandson to his
bed. You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38
revolver so you will always remember me."
"But, grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me
your Rolex watch instead."
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runa da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ... pointa to you watch and say,
"Time's Up?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One evening while getting ready for a party, a thin and bony
husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are
gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."

"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you
feed your husband..."

"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone
that there's nothing that I should feed you for."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
Astronauts get taller when they are in space.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I'll see." Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yes, she's in the shower."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill, "
I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block,
and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked
even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "These folks
are from England, " he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and
watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open
window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of
his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up
to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a
window back there? " Joe says, "Yes I did. " "Well, " says the police
officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of
the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to
avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because
you sliced the ball. " "Oh my goodness, " says Joe, "is there
anything I can do? " "Yes there is, " the cop says. "Try keeping your
head down and close up your stance a bit. "

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work
on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick,"
he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly
impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick,"
he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the
second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the
week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick."
Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss
calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard
worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick
every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go
over to console her every Monday morning before work.
One thing leads to another and we end up making love all
day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I *told* you I was sick."


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
ADULT SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife,but you can't beat a
blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Hey, Dad, do
you know how old I am today?"

"No, son, how old are you?"

"I'm eleven!" says the proud, young boy.

Then, the young boy goes into the kitchen and asks his
grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, do you know how old I am
today?"

"Come closer, dear."

The young boy obliges. The grandmother unzips his pants
and reaches her frail arm into his underwear. She fondles
him for a brief minutes and then says, "You're eleven,
dear."

"How could you tell, Grandma?"

"I heard you tell your father, dear."


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
In a small town in the south of Ireland, there were two churches, as
there always are in small towns in the south of Ireland, a small,
modest
Protestant church and a large, fancy Catholic church.

On a certain Saturday, the Catholic priest came down with the flu and
he
called and asked the Protestant pastor to substitute for him at Mass on
the following Sunday.

Thee pastor told the priest that he would like to help, but he knew
nothing of the Catholic faith or the rituals of the Mass.

The Priest responded that there were several alter boys and priests in
training who would help him through the rough spots, but he really
needed the pastor, because a rousing sermon was the thing his
congregation needed the most.

Somewhat reluctantly, the pastor agreed.

The priest then asked him to do the confession after the Mass.

At this, the pastor drew the line and said that confession was the one
thing he would not do, first, because it was in conflict with his own
faith and, second, he was certain that he could not keep all of the
various penances straight.

The priest responded that he too sometimes had difficulty remembering
all of the various punishments, but he had written them all down in a
small book, which he had hidden under the seat. If a person said:
"Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "this", "that" and "the
other thing", he simply had to look them up and give the person his or
her punishment.

Still feeling somewhat uneasy about it, the pastor finally agreed.

On the next day, the mass went surprisingly well.

The helpers helped him at all of the right times and the congregation
responded to his sermon very well.

He had chosen "The 10 Commandments" because it always goes over well.

With slightly sweating palms, he finished the Mass and slowly made his
way into the confessional booth.

The first person, a young woman, said: "Forgive me Father, I have
sinned. I have done "A", "B" and "C"" and, sure enough, he found all of
the sins and their individual punishments clearly written out in the
priest's neat handwriting.

It went the same way for each and every person that followed and he
found that he rather enjoyed listening in to all of these people's
private lives.

Up to the last person, that is.

An older man came into the booth, sat down and began: "Forgive me
Father, I have sinned. I know that I should not have done it but I have
had anal intercourse once again."

The pastor looked up "anal intercourse" in the book.

It wasn't there!

He fervently tried "sodomy", "butt fucking", "rectal sex" and
everything
else he could think of but none of them were in the book!

He excused himself and ran into the priest's small office and called
him
on the telephone.

When the priest answered, he said: "Quick, tell me, what do you give
for
"anal sex"?

The priest thought about it and responded, slowly: "Well, it all
depends.

Sometimes a candy bar. Sometimes an ice cream cone. But usually not
money."



..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

6 Comments:

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