Friday, June 16, 2006

Friday's Funnies

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of
emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts
impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for
by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground
and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule,
and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours. When the first-aid
squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found
nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."
A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a
mop please.
My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.
I saw a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it
would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.
Perforation is a rip-off!

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive
blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm
sorry, but we don't serve your type here!"
A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank
form and wrote, "Woof. .woof.. woof.. woof.. woof.. woof.. woof..
woof... woof." The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There
are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same
price." "But," the dog replied, "that would be silly."

My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and
illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide
amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Since I have become jaded
to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats,
Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as they
affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems. I
have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and
cheaper than buying gas.

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30, 000 to be used for an
elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and
cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely
nothing left from the $30, 000. " The friend asks, "How can that be?
" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6, 500. And of course
I made a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another
$500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the
memorial stone." The friend says, "$22, 500 for the memorial stone?
My God, how big is it? " The widow says, "Four and a half carats. "
Weird Fact :
Despite being over 27 times smaller, Norway's total coastline is longer than the USA's.

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail, so her students would catch
the drama.
Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd
throw up."

A Warwickshire builder was quite surprised to bump into a cousin he hadn't seen for years in a pub. But not half as surprised as his cousin, who had been at the builders funeral service in Dublin some time earlier. It turned out that the former workmates had wrongly identified him as the victim of a car crash and had telephoned his family in Ireland. The family decided that rather than come over for the funeral, they would hold a mass for him there!

There was a painter who once lived in San Francisco. He specialized
in painting dock scenes and the fishing boats tied alongside. A very
short person, he soon became known internationally as San Francisco's
Fisherman's Dwarf.

A mother was dropping her son off at a friend's house. She said to
him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?" The boy replied, "If you
give me a dollar!" His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why
can't you be good for nothing like your father?!"
A mother who had just put her liitle boy to bed was heard to say as
she shut the door and tip-toed down the hall: "This is one more day
when I worked from son-up to son?down." (Pastor Tim)
Les, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day. My husband
kidded him, asking how many birds could afford delux accommodations
in our suburban neighborhood? "Leave that to me," Les replied. Soon
that birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read:
"Room for wren cheep."

On my way home from college, I was going to drop off a friend in her hometown. When I realized I was lost, I asked her for directions. She said she wasn't sure of the route. Hoping to jog her memory, I asked, "What route does your father take when he drives you to school?" She didn't know. I thought it might simplify things if I rephrased the question. "When you go home, which way does he go?" "Oh, that's easy," she replied. "He goes back the same way he came."

I was having trouble with something I couldn't readily identify myself, so I took my car into the shop. The mechanic looked at it a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution." "Oh?" I said, trying not to sound too confused. "Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?" "That's part of the problem" he said. "You need to lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then the next day you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."
There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary. The husband decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to make her breakfast in bed. When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed. "Oh John, thank you so much. I didn't expect this!" The husband than tells her that he has another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold. So the woman is blindfolded and the man leads her the way. Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold. She takes it off and is totally stunned and very excited she shouts: "Oh John!!!! We are in Paris, aren't we ??!! This is the best gift you could ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary?!!" "Well that's quite simple," John answers. "That's when I come to pick you up again!"
I had driven over to Miami to pick up a part for my central air conditioner and was forced to wait for an hour for the warehouse to locate it. It was in a rough part of town and I was suffering some hunger pains not having stopped for breakfast before the two and a half hour drive. I located a diner down the block and ordered some soup. It took a while before the soup came, and when it did arrive, it is too hot. While waiting for the soup to cool, I became aware of the need to use the bathroom facilities too as I hadn't stopped in the morning for that either. Now, I'm thinkin'... 'in this neighborhood, while I´m in the bathroom, somebody might just come and eat the soup.' Being a wise guy I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote: "I spat into the soup!" After putting the sign right next to the soup, I took advantage of the available washroom facilities. When I returned, what do I see? On my note beside the soup someone has added in pencil, "ME TOO!"
A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife. After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor. The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days. He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!" Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?"
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"



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