You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
It was so cold last winter. How cold was it?
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets
There is no woman that a man does not want to have sex with.
Just some that he doesn't want anyone to know he had sex with.
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house,
Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "Damn it! He won't
get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife.
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this
morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look,
"but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your
golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that
he wasn't getting any damned respect. Later that morning he went
to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm
the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that
someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife
called. She wants her sign back!"
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
Your date takes you to McDonald's just to watch the sign change.
When you enter a nice restaurant, the hostess asks whether you
want a table or an estimate.
You wear yellow pants, bend over to tie your shoe, and three
men try to get in for a ride to the airport.
When you linger on a street corner, a cop comes by and tells
you to "break it up."
Q. What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?
A. A proctologist waits on one a-hole at a time.
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own
in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled
over to the table where she was sat and said:
"What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't
mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered
into the woman's ear:
"Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"
guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to
the bar and beckons to one of the three attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want
a cheese sandwich!"
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic
young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over
the pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are
any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue
cleave to the woof of your mouf."
Q. What Do You Call A Woman That Works Like A Man??
A. A Lazy Bitch.
This horse on a farm goes up to the cow and goes, "I have a bigger dick than
u" then he beats him up. The horse then goes up to a sheep and goes "I have
a bigger dick than u" and beats him up too. He then goes up to the female
cat and says "I have a bigger dick than u" and the cat replies "I don't have
a dick" then she beats up the horse. The moral of the story is, no matter
how big the dick, the pussy can always take it.
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach
when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's
hot pussy lips an enters.
Naturally enough, she panics.The husband is
also quite shaken but manages to put her shirt on,
pull up his shorts and carries her to the car.
Then makes a mad dash to the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp
is too far in an cant be removed with forceps, the
doctor explains to the husband that he'll have to try
and entice it out, by putting honey on his dick, and withdrawing as soon
as he feels the wasp.
So the husband puts honey on his dick, but because
of his wife's screaming, general panic, and his frantic
dash to the doctors he just can't get it up.!
So the doctor says "I'll perform the procedure if your
wife an you don't object."
Naturally both agree, for fear the wasp will do damage,
so the doctor quickly undresses, smears honey on his
cock and instantly gets an erection.
Slowly he begins to enter the wife. then withdrawal, an
then again, an again, and again. Only, he doesn't stop.!!!
But continues to deeply fuck her hot pussy endlessly.
In a daze, the husband shouts, "What the Hell is going on?". The doctor
replies, "Change of plans, I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large
bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her
friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad
you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods
because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took
some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good
pair of hooters."
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said?
Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.
The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home
with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened
suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the
angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled,
'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled, 'who left
the garage door open?'"
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer;
they just like to pee allot.
Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me -
so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
Two little old ladies are sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man
walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few
moments, the woman next to him asks, "Are you a stranger here? " He
replies, "I used to live here years ago. " "So, where were you all
these years? " "In prison, " he says. "For what did they put you in
prison? " He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife.
" "Oh, " says the woman, and turning to the other woman proclaims:
"Hurray! He's single! "
With all the recent talk of cloning, you'd think it was a new thing.
But in fact, a very wealthy westerner had himself cloned many years
ago. The boy grew up to have very foul mouth. The more the son swore,
the madder the father got. One day, the father got so mad he pushed
his son off a high cliff. The sheriff arrested him for making an
obscene clone fall.
Earthen dams still exist in many parts of the country, around the
world, in fact. With ready access to a usually reliable supply of
water, those dams with steady reservoir levels and good soil produce
a thick, rich carpet of grass on them. This lush covering often grows
so quickly that it begins to seem impossible to maintain a neatly-
trimmed appearance. Folks have been know to comment that it is just
proof that you can't keep a good dam mown.
Q. Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?
A. Because when she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a
little practice in before the final exams.
He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the
sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's
rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to
his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait
to get on the road again..."
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The
music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical
Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner
as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country
Heaven versus Hell
a.. The cooks are French
b.. The administrators are Swiss
c.. The mechanics are German
d.. The lovers are Italian
e.. The police are British
a.. The cooks are British
b.. The administrators are French
c.. The mechanics are Italian
d.. The lovers are Swiss
e.. The police are German
Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."
The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an _expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"
Doug said, "Her driver's license."
A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate love on the couch with another man, and starts yelling at her.
"Oh great!" said the woman. "Big mouth's home, now the whole building will know!"
Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was
walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much
for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes,
piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.
A couple of young boys came along and
decided to steal her clothes.
Having gotten out of the water and
discovered her clothes had been stolen,
Liana decided to go to the roadside and
hitch a ride home.
Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He
stopped for Liana.
"Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."
She jumped on his bicycle and rode
side-saddle in front of him. Steve said
nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he
was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely
"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls
Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to
let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around
sucking blood & killing. "I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins",
said God "I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can
be reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what
would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a living thing
with wings and sucks blood, heh, heh, heh."
"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a vampire bat. So back
to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one
day when a farmer killed him. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a
little bit sheepish (and a little batty).
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again. BUT
not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be a living thing with
wings and sucks bloo d!"
God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want",
and turned Dracula into a mosquito.
So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until
one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to
meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged).
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but this time you
cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a non-living
thing of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a non-living
thing with wings and sucks blood!! heh...heh.."
"No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into a 'Sanitary Napkin'
Q and A
How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
Douche with beer.
What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
Hear about the new gay sitcom?
Leave it, it's Beaver.
Why is sex is like software?
For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.
What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
What's the definition of a vicious circle?
A pussy with teeth.
How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
How do you get a woman off during sex?
Diary of a Smoker-Quitting
Day One: Shit.
Day One again only the next day:
Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes
as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like
squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of
cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat
leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and
wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main
smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I
could have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine. He
lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't
frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation. Spend next
three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed
in my opinion.
Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
Great; two extra hours of fencing practice
with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.
Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for
nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six times
during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist
my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack
of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill
or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.
Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.
Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
Did all laundry out of necessity -
body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets
(Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.
Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag;
keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.
Feed rest down garbage disposal.
Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.
Day 4: Receive visitor.
Police looking for missing mail carrier -
received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make coffee
and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make
smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes.
Burst in to tears. Confess.
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee.
( Federal crime.)
Beaten by seven large women in prison
for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.
Receive divorce papers:
husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes
and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep.
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment
to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Served last meal - minister asks if
anything wanted at last moments.
Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one
last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but
sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy,
giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issues full
pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows
for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.
Day 1: Shit.
There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.
The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with
this guy. Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those
shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
"You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom."
A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus
The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again,
"what time is it?"
The old Jew looks up him, but still doesn't
The young Jew is puzzled, "Sir, forgive me for
interrupting you all the time, but I really
want to know what time it is. Why won't you
The old Jew turns toward the young man and says,
"Son, the next stop is the last on this route.
I don't know you, so you must be a stranger to
this land. If I answer you now, according to
Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my
home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful
daughter. You would fall in love with her and
you'd want to get married. And tell me, why
would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford
a fucking watch?"