Google

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Giggles and Grins for this morning



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited - until you try to get into their pew. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched. Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong. If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has. A lot of church members who are singing "Standing On The Promises" are just sitting on the premises. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers. Every evening I turn my troubles over to God - He's going to be up all night anyway. I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one you stay home from? If a Savior leaves you as you are and where you are, from what has He saved you? Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington. To err is human; to blame it on somebody else is even more human. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighbourhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game." And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance. Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And man gained another ten pounds. And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counsellor.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




Sarah Kay was studying the origins of foods in kindergarten. One day, she and her mother were walking through the grocery store discussing what ingredients went into various products. Sarah Kay said, "Pork comes from pigs and beef comes from cows." Then she asked, "How DO they get the pork from the pig, Mommy?" Her mother felt that the truth was the only way to go, so she explained that they kill the animal to eat its meat. Horrified, Sarah Kay went past shelves staring at the meat and saying, "They KILLED a cow to get THIS?" She could not believe it, and her little heart was broken. Then, they went to the bakery where Sarah Kay began to check out the various donuts and goodies. She noticed a beautiful white cake and asked, "Mommy, what is this cake called?" Her mother replied, "It's an angelfood cake, honey." Immediately Sarah Kay's eyes filled with big tears and she wailed, "You mean they KILLED an ANGEL to make this?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response. "What have you got for collateral?" "Don't know collateral." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "Don't know, has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put in tepee." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked. "Don't know deposit." "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#






Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George should invest only small sums. But George threw caution to the winds and six months later sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers! Now send me some "retrievers!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There is this man sitting at the bar when the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walks in, and he just has to go over to her. "Let's cut the small talk, shall we? Your place or mine?" he says. She looks at him and replies, "Mine." So he gets into his car and she gets into her car and they go over to her place. When they get up to her apartment he walks in and sees all these dicks hanging on the walls. He jumps back and cries, "What the hell is going on here?" She answers, "If you don't satisfy me, that's where you're going to hang. So how do you want it?" The man thinks for a minute and tells her to go into the bedroom, turn out the lights and get naked. When she goes into the bedroom, he goes back down to his car and gets this Big fuckin' watermelon out of truck. He goes back up to her place and knocks on the bedroom door. "Are you ready?" he asks. "Yes," she replies. So he goes into the room and starts to pump her with the watermelon. She is just screaming her lungs out, absolutely loving every minute of it. This goes on for an hour or so. When he finishes, he asks her, "So how was that?" The woman catches her breath and says, "Ahhh, nothing like a good fingering before a fuck!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back." She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."


1 Comments:

At July 22, 2006 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm I love the idea behind this website, very unique.
»

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home


Rate this post: (data provided from NewsGator Online)

This That and Frog Hair: Giggles and Grins for this morning






Celebrating the Blogs of Summer


 



Word of the Day
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Article of the Day
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

This day in history
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Today's birthday
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

In the News
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Quotation of the Day
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Match Up
Match each word in the left column with its synonym on the right. When finished, click Answer to see the results. Good luck!

 
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Hangman
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Google
 
This That and Frog Hair: Giggles and Grins for this morning
Enter your Email


Powered by FeedBlitz




Mesothelioma



Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign
Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign!