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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Giggles here Get Your Giggles

Victoria's Secret


..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with
his stubborn girlfriend.
"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss.
"Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."
Shaking his head the young guy replied,
"That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation,
the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.
Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"
Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began.
"My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a
sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound" The man says,
"I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks,
"How much is your ground sirloin?" The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
EIGHT GIFTS THAT DO NOT COST A CENT

THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION:
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind cheery word to someone.
It's really not so hard to say, "Hello" or "Thank you."

THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT:
You can really brighten someone's day with a simple and sincere, "You look
great in red," "That was a terrific dinner," or "You did a super job."

THE GIFT OF LISTENING:
To be a good listener you must REALLY listen. Let the other person speak with
no interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response...just listening!

THE GIFT OF AFFECTION:
Be generous with APPROPRIATE hugs, kisses, pats on the back, and handholds.
Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER:
Share your laughter and humor by clipping cartoons, jokes, articles and funny stories.
Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you!"

THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE:
You can send someone a simple note that says, "Thanks for the help," or a poem, story,
or any kind of upbeat message. The most brief, handwritten note can be remembered
for a lifetime, and even change a life, you just never know.

THE GIFT OF A FAVOR:
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind for someone else. There are plenty of
opportunities for you to do something nice for a friend, relative, or co-worker on a daily basis.

THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE:
There a times when we all want nothing better than to be left alone.
Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Marriage.... It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
There are about 6,800 languages in the world.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~


..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Weird Fact :
Peanut butter is an effective way to to remove chewing gum from hair or clothes.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce:
there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering,
or any of the usual things that lead to this situation.

The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of
hobosexuality.

The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked,
"Don't you mean homosexuality?"

"No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum lay!"

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a
few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it
takes eight people to collect all the money!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Tombstone Engravings:

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery,
Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her,
but nobody believed her.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see
if the car Was on the way down... It Was.

Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania:
Fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled
with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid."

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors
were wearing masks for." - James H. Boren

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'l never understand
how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Q:. What's the quietest place in the world?
A. The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact:
Oil tycoon, John D. Rockefeller, was the world's first billionaire.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~



..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's
say
I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I
want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your
business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three
and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even
part
of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But
I
also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you
have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?>
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for
free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do
you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.
You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need
more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the
moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash.
And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll
go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh,
well.
Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Computer Quotes:
or "Why idiots shouldn't own computers!"

Customer: "I have Microword Soft."

Customer: "Microwave Windows?"

Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"

Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost,
but
it didn't help."

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."

Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."

Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."

Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."

Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."

Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."

Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power
harddrive."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
What does the pig say, Michael?" his mother asked.

"Oink, oink," replied Michael.

"What does the cow say?"

"Moooo."

"What does the chicken say?" his mother continued.

"Cluck, cluck."

"And what does the duck say?"

Without a moment's hesitation, Michael replied, "AFLAC!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man
sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to the amusement park over the weekend and decided
to
take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the very
highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried
to
read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so
curious
that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I
couldn't
see what the sign said.

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third
time.
As
we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the
visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in
1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up
my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll
up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about
"Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact:
In Alabama, it is against the law to wear a fake mustache that could cause laughter in the church.
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~




..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Weird Fact:
Mexico City boasts the world's largest taxi fleet with over sixty thousand taxis running every day.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they
experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the
screen,
unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her
most
reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name
is,"
then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is
David."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

Jasper was driving down a country road; late one night when he
felt
a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was
empty. Since there was apparently nothing to do, Jasper drove on home.
In the morning the sheriff was at his door. "You're under arrest
for
hitting a pig and leaving the scene of the crime," the sheriff informed
him
with a frown. "Please come with me."
Old jasper couldn't believe his ears. "But how could you possibly
know that's what happened?"
"Twern't hard," the sheriff replied. "The pig squealed."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but Morris
felt
that he must. "Mom, you are no longer a spring chicken and you do need
to
think ahead of what will happen in the future. Why don't we make
arrangements about when..... you know... when.... God Forbid ... you
pass
on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Momma, like.... how do you want to finally go? To be
buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and
said, "Son, why don' t you simply surprise me?"
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
When my daughter was 5,and in Kindergarten, she and I were riding my
horse
together across the field when all of a sudden a jackrabbit popped up
and
took off running, and I said "Oh look! There goes a jackrabbit!"
My daughter says to me, "No mama! That's a brown rabbit."
And I said, "No, that's a jackrabbit,
She said to me "Mama, I know! 'Cause I'm in school and you're
not!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist
church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the
group's chairman walked down to the altar and knelt down. After a
minute
of
silent prayer, he returned and announced in a solemn tone, "The Lord
tells
me we should wait."
My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down
himself. Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman, and
declared, "He wants to talk with you again."


..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

The following is a true story.

Last week I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering
hole" to pick up a take out order. I spoke briefly to the waitress
behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few
minutes.

So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements
hanging on the walls, I was approached by two, uh, um...
well, let's call them "natives". These guys might just
be the *original* Texas rednecks -- complete with ten-gallon hats,
snakeskin boots and the pervasive odor of cheap beer and whiskey.

"Pardon us, ma'am. Mind of we ask you a question?"

Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I
nodded.

"Are you a Satanist?"

Well, at least they didn't ask me if I liked to party.

"Uh, no, I can't say that I am."

"Gee ma'am. Are you *sure* about that?" they asked.

I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader
smile and said, "No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to
Satanism is watching Geraldo."

"Hmm. Interesting. See, we was just wondering why it
is you have the Lord of Darkness on your chest there."

I was *this close* to slapping one of them and causing
a scene -- then I stopped and noticed the T-shirt I happened
to be wearing that day. Sure enough, it had a picture of a small,
devilish looking creature that has for quite some time now been
associated with a certain operating system. In this particular
representation, the creature was wearing sneakers.

They continued. "See, ma'am, we don't exactly *appreciate* it when
people show off pictures of the devil. Especially when he's lookin' so
friendly."

These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious.

Me: "Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil, it's just, well, it's
sort of a mascot."

Native: "And what kind of football team has the devil as
a mascot?"

Me: "Oh, it's not a team. It's an operating-- uh, a kind of computer."

I figured that an ATM machine was about as much
technology as these guys could handle, and I knew that if I so much as
uttered the word "unix" I would only make things worse.

Native: "Where does this satanical computer come from?"

Me: "California. And there's nothing satanical about it really."

Somewhere along the line here, the waitress has noticed
my predicament -- but these guys probably outweighed her by
600 pounds, so all she did was look at me sympathetically and run off
into the kitchen.

Native: "Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd
appreciate it if you'd leave the premises now."

Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order, and
they agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my food
before I left.

While I was at the cash register, they amused themselves by talking to
each other.

Native #1: "Do you think the police know about these devil computers?"

Native #2: "If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know
about
'em."

They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time: "You're really
blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people use this "kind of
computers". Universities, researchers, businesses. They're actually
very useful."

Big, big, BIG mistake. I should have guessed at what
came next.

Native: "Does the government use these devil computers?"

Me: "Yes."

Another BIG boo-boo.

Native: "And does the government *pay* for 'em? With *our*
tax dollars?"

I decided that it was time to jump ship.

Me: "No. Nope. Not at all. You're tax dollars never entered the
picture at all. I promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good Christian
congressmen would never let something like that happen. Nope. Never.
Bye."

Texas. What a country.
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs
limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist
church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the
group's chairman walked down to the altar and knelt down. After a
minute
of
silent prayer, he returned and announced in a solemn tone, "The Lord
tells
me we should wait."
My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down
himself. Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman, and
declared, "He wants to talk with you again."
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a
woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first,
then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with
her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size" she said, but my hands fit perfectly
around his neck."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A woman goes to her lawyer to ask about getting a divorce. The
lawyer asks, "Does he beat you?"
"No, he does not."
"Does he keep you short of money?"
"No, he does not."
"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"
"No, he is not."
"Is he unfaithful to you?"
"Ahhh, we've got him there. He was not the father of my last
child."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my
customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had
walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested
him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some
musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
My friend paused for a second and asked, "How badly did he play?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window,
"Cruise
Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and
says,
"I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent says, "Yes,
ma'am," the
he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner
tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where
he
pushes her in and sends her floating down the river. A second blonde
comes
by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her
money, and
asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent
floating
down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches
up
with the first blonde. They float side by side for a

while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his
cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."


..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

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a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 
At June 28, 2006 11:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 

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