Google

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Good Tuesday Morning



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"My wife is the most suspicious person in the world," complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. "If I come home early, she thinks I'm after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I've already had it."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"
Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?" "It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied. "Whatever do you mean by that?" "It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my paranoia'?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Did you know that the word ALIMONY is really a contraction. Its short for "all my money"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life." His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist: "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" "Yes" the mother answered. "And how is your son now?" he asked. "Who cares?" she replied.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#





+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead," "You're on," returned his wife. They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food. After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before." She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his britches. "You dumb, [censored, son of censored, censored, censored]," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant who was with the group cautioned, "Remember, sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A newcomer to the Ashe County political scene was out canvassing votes. He came to a farm and approached a young man milking a cow. Just as he was starting to make his pitch for a vote, an old man came out on the back porch and called to the young man, "Luke, come on in the house. Who's that man talking to you?" "Says he's a Republican politician, Pop," replied Luke. "Well, in that case", says the old man, "better bring the cow in with you."





-+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Aggravated wife to husband who's hiding behind the newspaper: "You can stop saying, 'Uh-huh.' I stopped talking an hour ago."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Kyle and Justin were sitting down to eat their supper with the baby sitter when 6 year old Kyle saw the baby sitter sit down in his daddy's seat. "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" Kyle exclaimed. "Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied, matter-of- factly. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss." Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you have to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"


When the car engine developed a slight knock, Bob asked his wife if she had bought special or regular gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "It cost the same as always. I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy. As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying my son?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy. Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said, "Lord I work for the public school system." ... and the Lord sat down and cried with him!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
- The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other necessary items. Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, "Matched luggage?"




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Teacher asks her class, "What is the animal depicted on a weather vane?"
Little Johnny, the infamous troublemaker, says, "I know, teacher, I know."
Against her better judgment she calls on him and he says,
"Teacher, it is a cock."
Teacher asks the class, "Why is a cock on a weather vane?"
"I know, I know, teacher," says Johnny.
"OK, Johnny, Why?"
"Because, teacher, if it had a cunt on it, the wind would whistle right through it."

6 Comments:

At June 06, 2006 7:18 AM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

That shark picture reminds me of the nutty tourists that go too deep here in the water. Love that one with the mother and child. (LOL)

 
At June 06, 2006 8:03 AM, Blogger Patty said...

Hey Girlfriend. Good Morning and how art thou?

 
At June 06, 2006 10:41 PM, Blogger Junebugg said...

You always come up with the best giggles! If I'm having a bad day and can come here and have my whole mood lighten.

 
At June 07, 2006 2:55 AM, Blogger jarhead john said...

I don't know where you find such a high volume of this stuff, but it's great!

 
At June 07, 2006 2:58 AM, Blogger Patty said...

If I can make someone feel better with a chuckle then my job is done. I love hearing someone reads a chuckle and has a better mood when they leave. Thanks for telling me.

 
At June 07, 2006 3:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gooood blog, dude! Here is another great site about Cologne - http://cologne.thelineone.com/cologne-tuscany.html

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home


Rate this post: (data provided from NewsGator Online)

This That and Frog Hair: Good Tuesday Morning






Celebrating the Blogs of Summer


 



Word of the Day
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Article of the Day
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

This day in history
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Today's birthday
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

In the News
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Quotation of the Day
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Match Up
Match each word in the left column with its synonym on the right. When finished, click Answer to see the results. Good luck!

 
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Hangman
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Google
 
This That and Frog Hair: Good Tuesday Morning
Enter your Email


Powered by FeedBlitz




Mesothelioma



Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign
Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign!