Gooooooood Morningggg World!!!
Still one of the neatest places to kill some time.
There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day,
when she hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home
early from work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she
sticks him in the closet and successfully covers up every
part of his body except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints
his balls red with some spray paint.
Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet
doors to get out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging
there. "What are these?" he asks.
"Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on
sale this afternoon," she answers.
He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are
not making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them
together, but all he hears is "uuuggghhh."
He says, "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me
try again. So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them
together. Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH."
He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am
gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am
gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them. So he
stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them
together. At that moment the guys sticks his head out of
the closet and screams,
"DING DONG, MOTHERFUCKER! DING DONG!"
One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.
Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope - while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing - that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favourite "substitute".
Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.
So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.
But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum - and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ."
Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."
During the wedding reception in the family's southern Mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her ten $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for 'mad money', so She stuffed them in her gloves.
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house. Later that night,after all the guests had left, The bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs and asked where she was going.
"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh, you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You just march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damn thing with your bare hands just like I did your Granddaddy's."
Q: What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker? A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts." The second man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back "We said we're not screwing!!" Finally the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's only half-way up and the wife and the second man are screwing their brains out. Once he reaches the top, the husband looks out from the tower and says: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
It has come to the attention of researchers of the Food and Drug Administration that previously unanticipated complications, result when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax. Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other. The researchers have concluded that the result is that you end up both coming and going at the same time. It *really* gets complicated when Prozac is taken with the other drugs, because then, you really don't give a shit if your cuming or going.
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. ". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great ... now this thing is going to be up all night!"
One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her. "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you." She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard and that she didn't consider herself that special. "Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look." So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking. When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress. "I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you." Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra. "Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!" When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are." After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her. Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh." Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again. Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little while."
A nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a cheque.
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries
to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then
realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some arsehole's got my pen !"
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the
problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my
nipples get hard."
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get
"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.
"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So, she
undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said,
"Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell
A man goes to the doctor to find out about his tests. "It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you'll be dead in three days" Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes into a big depression. His girlfriend suggests they go to Vegas to cheer him up just a bit till the end comes. So he goes reluctantly. As he walks into the Casino, he's the millionth customer and wins a brand new Rolls Royce. Then he pulls the handle of a slot machine as he passes,and wins the golden jackpot of $7m. He sits down for a rest at the Blackjack table and wins $100,000 - straight 21's and he can't even be bothered to turn the cards. Weighed down with money,he throws it onto the nearest table. But it's the roulette wheel and the money is on 22 - which promptly comes up! "Jeez," says the croupier, "I never seen luck like that in my whole life!" "No, you don't understand" says the guy "I've got blue 56" "Goddamn ! Now you've won the raffle!!"
There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?" Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."
Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly about what he saw: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Oliver Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows." "I do," retorted Holmes. "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies." +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been? What are you doing?" "Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies. "It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold, and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the damn piccolo. "We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the damn piccolo. "Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their behinds!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH THE DAMN PICCOLO!"