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Thursday, June 29, 2006

Hot funny giggles



I'm really worried," one began. "My dad works twelve hours a day to
give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning
and cooking for me. I'm worried sick."

"What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it
made."

"Yeah, but what if they try to escape ...??"
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents
how to care for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a
newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we
should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

Yes, I replied, that was a good analogy.

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said
anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a traffic cop.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the
officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at
the test they're giving now!"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase
some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to
prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers
with noise-induced tension headaches.

I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart
with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of
aspirin.

As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he
laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a kid!"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
LAWYER JOKES

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three; the rest are true stories.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three; one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one
to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why do we have lawyers?
A: To make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician
with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*






One Liners

The speaker began by saying, "I am so nervous this morning I think I
could thread a sewing machine with it running. --Lawrence Brotherton

A young person knows the rules but the old person knows
the exceptions.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing
myself with imaginary fears.

A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without
having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.

Childhood: That period when nightmares occur only during sleep.

A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the
dresser.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
To hold cows together.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

Some people itch for success when they should be scratching for it.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

A marriage in trouble is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
the horse, but it but it won't help the leg. {Barney Miller TV show}
--Lawrence Brotherton

Office employee to visitor, referring to another employee counting on
his
fingers: "That's our digital computer."

Did you know that "fungus" begins with 'fun' and keeps on giving until
ending with 'us'. --Lawrence

Patient to dentist: "This may hurt a little. I don't have the money to
pay you."

Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil, and you will have trouble
getting a job as a tabloid journalist.

Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

You know that people say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift"
but couldn't people think a little bigger?

The only thing more important than a good education is a
good parking spot at the mall.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough paid vacation days!

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred. -- George Burns

Abundance: Big party held in a bakery.

All food is Fat-Free - if you don't eat it.

All general statements are false, except this one.

As you sew, so shall you rip.

As soon as I git some grip on reality, I'm goin' t' choke it!
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose
sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have a freeze plug replaced,
a job that took two days. Then I discovered that the battery was dead,
and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.

Days later, I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your
car is good for many more miles."

"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to
make it to the dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
I was talking to someone the other day about April's home town of
Piney Flats, Tennessee.

I said, "The town's built on a one-way street. It's so small,
that if you pass it by mistake, you have to go clear around the world to
get back to it again."
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails
down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and
soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them
instead."

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Hotel

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to
thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because
both had jobs they found it difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules, so it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a
Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as
planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his Room there was a
computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address and sent the
e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just
returned from her husband's funeral.

The dearly departed was a minister who had been called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow checked her e-mail, Expecting messages from relatives and
friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived

You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey
is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*






A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this asks, "How
can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain
she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me
talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know.

A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on
the phone for three hours. Do you want to hear
my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes. YES!"

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
Robert Knight, after his team had been sent home from the tournament,
began considering his career, his future, and, as his thoughts turned
that direction, the afterlife. So he contacted his local minister to
discuss the issue.
"Reverend, will I be able to coach basketball in Heaven?" he
inquired.
Now, of course, his minister didn't want to give a glib answer, so
he told Bobby that he wanted to pray for a while and ask for some divine
inspiration before responding to his question.
After a week of prayer, the minister called the coach into his
study, and asked him to take a seat. "Robert," he said, "I have some
good news for you, and some bad news."
"What's the good news?", asked Coach Knight.
"Well, the good news is that yes, you will be able to coach
basketball in Heaven," replied the minister.
"And the bad news?" asked coach Knight (grimacing, probably having
heard jokes like this before).
"Well, Bob," responded the minister, "you'll be coaching the
visiting team."
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Be A Yankee"

You Might Be A Yankee If:

1. You think a "Goo Goo Cluster" is a group of babies.

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You pronounce Oil.....EARL.

4. You prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what a moon pie is.

6. You've never had an RC cola.

7. You've never eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken.

10.You have no idea what a polecat is.

11.You own a poodle.

12.You put a sweater on your poodle.

13.You vacation at Cape Cod instead of Opryland.

14.You live or have ever lived in a "flat".

15.You`ve never listened to the "Grand Ole` Opry".

16.You say "you guys" instead of "ya`ll".

17.You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You think "sunday go to meeting" means going to watch a professional
football game.

19.You think K.F.C. is real southern eatin`.

20.You don't have one can of WD-40 in the house.

21.You don`t know the difference between Flat&Scruggs
and Briggs&Stratton.

22.You don't have any hats that advertise feed stores.

23.The farthest south you've ever been is New Jersey.

24.You call binoculars opera glasses.

25.You think chocolate milk comes from cows who stand in the shade.

26.You never watch the "Beverly Hillbillies".

27.You think Gary Shandling is funny.

28.You don't know anyone with at least two first names ( Billy Jo, Faye
Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean).

29.You think ya`ll really won the war.

30.You've never been to a "Monster Truck" show.

31.You get freaked out when strangers talk to you.

32.You can do your laundry without quarters.

33.None of your fur coats are homemade.

34. You prefer re-runs of Seinfeld over Andy Griffith.

35. You put tartar sauce on your french fries.

36. You don`t have bangs.

37. You think they sell fleas at a "Flea Market".

38. You think the S.E.C. stands for the Securities and Exchange
Commission.

39. You don`t own a pick-up truck.

40. You`ve never eaten squirrel or rabbit.

41. You think Dolly Parton is a star cause she can act.

42. You were never taught to say ma`am and thank you.

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*

1 Comments:

At June 29, 2006 3:09 PM, Anonymous application developer job sites uk said...

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