Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and
told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the
first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a
namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone
by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a
breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith,
Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new
guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry,
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass,
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please,
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In FLORIDA, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay, ( not me )
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
A fellow from out near Pike's peak,
Stood up in a large crowd to speak,
Got a tear in his eye,
When he noticed his fly,
Had been opened since he last took a leak
While watching a game a couple weeks back, my lady and I were
discussing life and death.
I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that
ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
I do not like living with a smartass.
Glaring down at him, the judge replied,
"He's not. I am. You do."
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide
led them through a process of cheese making, explaining
that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely
hillside where many goats were grazing.
These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do
in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours, or
make us go play Bingo."
News article from a Florida Newspaper:
"When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV,
his VCR, and even left his watch.
What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with
greyish-white powder" -- that at least is the way the police
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "It looked similar
to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude..
She died three years ago."
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known
as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.
The cardboard box was there too; with about half of Gertrude's ashes
And there was this note. It said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister.
No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary
to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting
subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and
said, "Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an
She replied, "Fishing with his buddies."
Four regulars were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how
nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and
play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make
it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my
wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy
says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave
her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my
wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense
for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe,
Merry Christmas! It's a great morning, is it Intercourse or Golf Course and
she said... "Take a sweater - it's a bit cool this morning..."
A couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wanted her in
the worst way, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself
for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he was all
hot and bothered; and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel" She replied,
"No, I'm saving myself for marriage." They went back and forth. He said,
"Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel." She finally
agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving
myself for marriage." So he put his hand down her panties and took a
little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asked, " Can't we
PLEASE?" She of course stated, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage." He
begged, "Please, please?" and she answered, "No, no, absolutely not, I'm
saving myself for marriage." He suggested, "How about if I agree to only
just put the tip in?" She said, "No way, I'm saving myself for
marriage." He begged and pleaded with her, "I promise, just the tip, no
more, and we'll stop after that." She finally gave in, "Okay, but just
the tip, no more, and that's all." He agreed, pulled down her panties
and put the tip in... the sensation made him lose control and he shoved
it all the way in, and he started pumping like crazy... she meanwhile is
moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT ALL WAY IN!" A
little stunned, he said, "NO, absolutely not, a deal's a deal!"
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too
much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French
blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What
do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother
Coming home from his Little League game,
Billy swung open the front door very excited.
Unable to attend the game, his father
immediately wanted to know what
"So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was
responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks
the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. Nurse he says, "I want
to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know a president of the ex
USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head). "Nikita Kruschev? But he
is dead for a long time." "I don't care I want to kiss his head," the
man says. "This is my last wish!" The nurse didn't know what to do. Then
she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse
takes her beautiful tits out of her bra and offers the left one to the
man. He holds it, caresses it and very moved. He said, "Oh my dear
Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!" He was kissing
her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole
situation. She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's
head." "Yes!! Is he here too?" "Of course he is here," she says, and
offers him her right tit. "Oh my dear president how happy I am to see
you here," said the man, kissing again and again, "Eisenhower." The
nurse liked all that very very much; and started to feel her pussy
getting moist; so she asks the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed
such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to
establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he
couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one. "I can't help
feeling that we've met before". he said. "Yeah, I know". sighed the girl
stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate
some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's
interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The
woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before
going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman
meet again in the same line.
Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the
fact they are about to be audited during the coming month. Says the
first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!" "I'm screwed, too!" says the
other guy, slapping his forehead. "Guys, I am about to be fucked beyond
all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy in anguish. Just
then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there
listening. She now has a very thoughtful look on her face. "Are you OK?"
asks the guy. "Yes," replies the woman, "but I was wondering... How do I
go about getting audited?"
"I think I have a problem, Doc." says the patient, "One of my balls has
turned blue." The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the
patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed. "Are you
crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to
agree to have his testicle removed. Two weeks after the operation, he
comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has
turned blue, too." Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his
other testicle must be cut off, too, and, again, the man is very
reluctant to the idea. "Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the
patient has to agree with the operation. But, about two weeks after he
is testicleless, he returns to the doctor. "I think something is very
wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining
the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his
penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it. "You want
to die?" asks the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We'll install an
plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So, he has his penis
removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters,
again, the doctor's office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe
turned blue!" "What?" "Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?" So,
the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't
know, could it be the jeans?"
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant
you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me
right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb -diggity.
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,
have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you
all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
22. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
23. I look good on you.
24. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.