Google

Saturday, June 03, 2006

HUH?



"Hey Marco! Is it true you have a new
girlfriend?" I quizzed.
"Yeah, it's true" he mumbled.
"Hey, what's the matter?" I asked.
"Well, it's my new girlfriend," he said.
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
"Well I asked her if she could learn to
love me," he replied.
"Yeah...and?" I pryed further.
"and she asked me how much I was willing
to spend on her education.


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
How to handle a speeding ticket!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned
the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's
a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
(Hummed to the Tune of 12 day's of Christmas)

On the first day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the second day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the third day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the fourth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the fifth day of field ex, the Army gave to me,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the sixth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the seventh day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the eighth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the ninth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Nine LT's stressing,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the tenth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Ten guard points sleeping,
Nine LT's stressing,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the eleventh day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Eleven privates whining,
Ten guard points sleeping,
Nine LT's stressing,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the twelfth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Twelve switches crashing,
Eleven privates whining,
Ten guard points sleeping,
Nine LT's stressing,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Golf Chips
~~~~~

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"


Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."


Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."


Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."


Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
conincidence."


Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of
a
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."


Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."


Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."


Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."


Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
911 calls------

A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share
a
hotel room and there weren't enough towels.

A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."

A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When
asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man,
and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on
the ground and screaming 'You Anita nothing but a hound dog.'"

Another person called to report he had the hiccups.

A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his
navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was
belly-
button lint.

A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all
exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.

A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her
house.

Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a
tree outside.

A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house
and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her
driveway.

A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.

A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering
told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.

Another winner called to ask when the Cinch de Mayo celebration was.
(Cinch de Mayo means the 5th of May)

A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her
residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't
reach it.

A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.

A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property.
When asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed
her rose bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.

A person called to find out the number to the police station.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Boudreaux at the hunting camp with 3 buddies, drinking beer and playing
bouree. We'll call them: Thibodeaux, Gauthreaux, and Fontenot.
"Boudreaux ", says Fontenot, "You coming hunt them bear with us in the
morn?" Boudreaux , the excellent hunter that he is, says," Non, I think
I'll go alone; I hunt better that way". So, in the morning when
everyone else woke to go on the hunt, there was ole Boudreaux , returning from
his hunt with a big black bear. There was only ONE bullet hole on the
bear, right between the eyes. "Damn, you are a good shot", says
Thibodeaux, who is leaving to go hunting. "Yep, one shot - that's all
it took"says Boudreaux ,"I told you!" Well, they came back later that day
without a single bear. That night, the same routine; beer and bouree.
Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux if he'll go on the hunt with them in the
morn. Again, Boudreaux says "No, I hunt better alone." So, in the morn
all 3 guys are leaving for the hunt when Boudreaux is returning with a
bear. Again, only ONE bullet hole between the eyes. Gauthreaux, not
believing what he's seeing, exclaims "Boudreaux , how you do it with
one shot? You can't be that good, huh?" Well, the same thing happens later
that day; they return without a single bear. The next morning Boudreaux
returns with a bear as the other 3 are leaving for their hunt. But,
this time, there were 3 bullet holes on the bear; one in between the eyes,
one in the left paw, and one in the right paw. Gauthreaux , seeing the
three bullet holes,exclaims, "Uh huh, I knew you couldn't do it three
times in a row with one bullet; I knew you wasn't that good!!"
Boudreaux, remaining calm, says "No man, all it took was one shot - that's it!!
You see, it was pretty dark when I shot him. I put my flashlight up
like that and shined it at his eyes. When he saw the light , he put both his
hands over his eyes to cover them, and that's when I shot."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


AND THEY ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and
refuses to
retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic
or
garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids
will want
to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss
work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

4 Comments:

At June 05, 2006 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! Very Nice! Check out this website I found where you can make extra cash.
It's not available everywhere, so go to the site and put
in your zipcode to see if you can find something. I found something and make
and extra $900 a month!

Make Extra Money

 
At June 07, 2006 4:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! Very Nice! Check out this website I found where you can make extra cash.
It's not available everywhere, so go to the site and put
in your zipcode to see if you can find something. I found something and make
and extra $900 a month!

Make Extra Money

 
At June 08, 2006 12:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice! Where you get this guestbook? I want the same script.. Awesome content. thankyou.
»

 
At July 22, 2006 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This site is one of the best I have ever seen, wish I had one like this.
»

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home


Rate this post: (data provided from NewsGator Online)

This That and Frog Hair: HUH?






Celebrating the Blogs of Summer


 



Word of the Day
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Article of the Day
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

This day in history
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Today's birthday
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

In the News
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Quotation of the Day
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Match Up
Match each word in the left column with its synonym on the right. When finished, click Answer to see the results. Good luck!

 
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Hangman
Website content provided by The Free Dictionary

Google
 
This That and Frog Hair: HUH?
Enter your Email


Powered by FeedBlitz




Mesothelioma



Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign
Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign!