Just a few
Texas mice are tough!!
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Illinois mouse,
killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each
other about how much tougher they are.
The Wisconsin mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty
glass onto the bar, turns to the Iowa mouse and says, "When I see a
mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes
down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The Iowa mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one
after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Wisconsin
mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I
can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the Texas mouse.
The Texas mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a
long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit". Gotta
go home and have sex with the cat."
IT CAN'T BE TRUE:
In 1942 Roy Sullivan, a park Ranger in Virginia, USA lost a toe nail. Twenty seven years later his eyebrows were damaged;the following year his left shoulder was burned and two years after that his hair was set on fire. It had grown back by the following year and then then the same thing happened again. In 1976 his ankle was injured and in 1977 he suffered chest burns. The cause of all this misfortune? Lightning! All in all he had been struck seven times and most people say that
lightning never strikes in the same place twice!
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you
manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My
first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an
actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an
undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do
with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go."
Rivalling Sanka in the Old Days was a cereal-based imitation coffee
that, of course, was absolutely caffeine-free. But therefore, people
were often unaffected by it at all...and many said that they didn't
even know they had drunk it till after it had passed through their
stomachs. It was, therefore, know as Post-Tum.
When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she
liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was
quite indignant. "No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only
interested in one thing." Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what
that might be. "Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler.
IT CAN'T BE TRUE:
An Athenian taxi driver was more than a little surprised when the man he had stopped to pick up gave him his own address as his destination. The taxi driver did not say anything, but drove the passenger as requested. He got out of the car and let himself into the drivers house with a key. A few minutes later, the driver crept onto his house and caught the bloke having a quick one with his wife
Police in New York took a statement from young woman who said she had
been accosted in Central Park. Somehow or another though, they had
lost her name and address. The department's spokesman said however,
that they would continue to work on this case of The Miss-taken's
"The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-
year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated
by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a
golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned
into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term
A young blonde woman inherited a home that had been built by distant
relatives. Before she could take possession of the property, however,
government surveyors had to decide whether it was located in the
United States or Canada. When they declared the home was just inside
the U.S. border, the young woman was very much relieved. "I???m glad
to hear that," she admitted. "I've been told that Canadian winters
are quite severe."
A woman in her 80s and traveling alone in Italy, became ill and was advised to fly home. Two hours after her plane took off from Rome, one engine conked out and another caught fire; so they had to turn back. After they landed safely, the stewardess told her that she was the calmest of all the passengers during the crisis. "Well, at my age," the old lady answered briskly. "I'm living on borrowed time, and I'm traveling on borrowed money. So I figured I didn't have much to lose!"
One day, Bill decided to take a trip from Montreal (where he lived) to that great city of Boston.. He went to the airport to buy a ticket and found out the cost was $200 one-way. Well, Bill only had $100 on him. But he saw a sign saying half-fare for persons under 18. Well, now he had just turned 18 three months ago so he lied..a bit. And got a ticket for $100. W ell during they flight, he was making small conversation with the passenger seated next to him. And, in the course of their little chat, he mentioned the 18th birthday party his friends had for him. A stewardess happened to over-hear that part of the conversation and reported back to the pilot. The pilot checked his passenger list and noticed that Bill had only paid half-fare. A few minutes later, the stewardess asked him if he had $50 with him. Bill, slightly embarrassed, replied, "I only have $10, enough for a bus and a coffee after we arrive in Boston.. Why do you ask?" Stewardess,"I wanted to know if you wanted to buy this used parachute." Bill, "Whatever for?" Stewardess, "You only paid half-fare and you're over 18. We are half-way on our flight and you have to leave now."
Years ago when I was a child I used to go to the grocery store with my Mom. Barrels sat around the store filled with pickles, loose crackers, and huge containers from which lard was dispensed. This was a small country store. One morning my mom and I went to the store to purchase a few groceries. In the store was an elderly woman asking to buy three pounds of lard and have it put into an empty pail she was carrying. The son of the owner was minding the store while the father went to lunch. He stated, "Miss Abigail, your pail will only hold two pounds." Miss Abigail looked at him as if he were simple minded and said, " Where is your daddy? He has been putting three pounds of lard in this pail for the last five years!!!!"
A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Hey, Dad, do you know how old I am today?" "No, son, how old are you?" "I'm eleven!" says the proud, young boy. Then, the young boy goes into the kitchen and asks his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, do you know how old I am today?" "Come closer, dear." The youbg boy obliges. The grandmother unzips his pants and reaches her frail arm into his underwear. She fondles him for a brief minutes and then says, "You're eleven, dear." "How could you tell, Grandma?" "I heard you tell your father, dear."
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
A woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply. "Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looking puzzled, said, "Well, madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were items on a stand next to the doctor's desk. 1. A tube of K-Y jelly 2. A rubber glove 3. A beer When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc I'm a little confused. This is my first exam I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........ "Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT"