Sunday, June 18, 2006

The Late Edition

Johnny's parents were out of town once and so they
asked that young female teacher to stay for that time
in their house.

Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh, please, I'm
so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed."
She agrees, they go to bed.

In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested
man in her bed. She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny?!!!"

"Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling
the tickets?"

A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup.

He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous!

He told her he was going to put his hand on her
back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."

"Eighty-eight," she purred.

"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat
and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"


"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest
and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"One, two, three, four, five..."
Think of a number.
Multiply it by 3.
Now add 5.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 7.
Subtract 2.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes.







Dark, isn't it?

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it
as your inner child playing with matches.

Right now, as you read this, 69 Million Americans
are having SEX!

And you're on the computer!!!

Weird Fact :
Caterpillar means "hairy cat" in Old French.

Weird Fact :
An artist from Chicago named Dwight Kalb created a statue of Madonna made out of 180 pounds of ham.

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!



I am all packed and ready to get on the
cruise ship. I've packed All my pretty dresses and
make-up. I'm really excited.
We spent the entire day at sea. It was
beautiful and we saw some Whales and dolphins.

What a wonderful vacation this has started
To be. I met the Captain today and he seems
like a very nice man.

I spent some time in the pool today. I also
did some shuffle boarding And hit some golf balls off the deck. The
Captain invited me to join Him at his table for dinner. I felt honored
and we had a wonderful Time. He is a very attractive and attentive

Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ... Won
about $80. The Captain Invited me to have dinner with him in his
state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar
and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
I told him there Was no way I could be unfaithful to my

Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided To go to the piano bar and spend the rest of
the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of
drinks. He really is a charming gentleman He again
asked me to visit him For the night and again I declined. He told
me that if I didn't let him Have his way with me he would sink the ship.
I was appalled.

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she
accidentally steps
on a thorn. She is in great pain, but try as she
might, she can't get
the thorn out. She tries to get it out with her foot,
but you know how
elephant feet are -- they don't have fingers. She
tries with her trunk,
but even that doesn't work. She doesn't know what to
do. Just then a
little mouse walks by.

Desperately the elephant calls to him, "Little mouse!
Little mouse! Can
you please help me?"

The mouse walks over and asks, "What can I do?"

"I've stepped on this thorn," says the elephant, "and
I just can't get
it out. Can you help me? I would do anything."

"Anything?" asks the mouse, his eyebrows raised.

"Anything," says the elephant.

So the little mouse goes over to the elephant's foot
and, with both his
hands and using all his might, he pulls and tugs at
the thorn. Suddenly
he yanks it loose.

The elephant sighs with great relief. "Thank you!" she
says. "Oh thank
you! That's so much better. I can't thank you enough!
Is there anything
I can do for you?"

"Well," says the mouse, "you said anything, right?"

"Anything," replies the elephant.

"Well," says the little mouse, "I've been sort of
checking you out in
the jungle here for quite a while now, and actually, I
sort of have the
hots for you. So what I'd really like is to make it
with you."

The elephant looks at the mouse incredulously. "You, a
little mouse,
want to make it with me, an elephant?"

The mouse nods. "That's right."

"Well," says the elephant, half smiling to herself,
"help yourself!"

So the little mouse goes around to the back of the
elephant and climbs
up her back leg. He gets on top of her and starts
going at it. Once he
gets going he is really having a grand old time. He is
just wailing
away back there.

Meanwhile a monkey in a tree just above them happens
to look down, sees
what's going on, and thinks it's the funniest thing
he's ever seen in
his life. The monkey starts laughing hysterically, and
he shakes so much
that a coconut comes loose from the tree he's sitting
in, falls down,
and hits the elephant on the head with a wallop.

She throws her head back and cries in pain, "Ohhhh!"

The little mouse looks down at her and says, "Take it
all, bitch!"
Jack went to a urologist and told the doctor that he was having a

"Well, doctor. I am having trouble gaining and keeping an
erection, but I never had any trouble before I got very sick a
while ago."

After a complete exam the doctor determined that the muscles
around the base of his manhood were damaged from a prior viral
infection and there was little or nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be
applicable, if Jack were willing to take the risk. The treatment
consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk to
replace the damaged tissue.

Jack thought about it for a while. He was a young man, and the
thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again
was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that
there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack
decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light
to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a
romantic evening with his young wife and took her to one of the
nicest restaurants in the city.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his
legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To
release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his
equipment sprung from his pants, rose to the top of the table,
grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants.

His wife was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her
face said, "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"

Jack, with his eyes watering, replied, "I think I can, but I'm
not sure I can fit another roll up my ass."


Kids on Sea Life:

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves
under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an island . If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the tradewinds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)


Weird Fact:
Frank Wathernam was the last prisoner to leave Alcatraz prison on March 21, 1963.
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber
could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions
used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of
two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady
remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy
you're talking about."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One
lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh
sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The
second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments,
first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"


An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be
forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high
wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto
this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at
the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years
I just bought this hat yesterday
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there -- that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she
her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

Weird Fact:
Because of its enormous size, the Pentagon operates much like a small city; it has it's own shopping mall, power plant, water and sewage facilities, medical clinic, fire station, police force and a mayor.


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