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Monday, June 19, 2006

Manic Monday Overload Anda A Bannana

Its Click and Comment Monday.



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he
lost his wallet and all identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped
by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent. "I'm sorry,
but
I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,"
says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims.

"I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a
picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I've gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

>

>

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the
middle."
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula'
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time
he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge
to
explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted
explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the
subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied
simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently
declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked,
"So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"


..~...~...~...~...~
A Woman's Take on the Subject ~*~

1. First and foremost, we're not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to #1, so, if you DO get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video, it's NOT standard
practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to #3, no, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to #5, don't push on top of my head. Last I heard, deep
throat had been done. Besides, you REALLY want puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get. It's NEVER ok to far.

8. Having my period does not mean it's "hummer week". Get it through
your head: I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so NO, I don't feel
particular obligated to blow you. You just can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
girls.
If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to stop to remove a public hair from my teeth, don't tell
me I've "wrecked" it for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after
is
HIGHLY inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about
the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment. Review #2 above about
gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't give a shit
about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow
jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It's not appropriate to
sympathize OR brag.

16. Just because it's "awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
"kiss it good morning".

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Man's Rebuttal ~*~

1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll
find someone younger and prettier who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of
cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything
to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your
hair.

5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the
only way to stop your bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you
need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the
shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.

8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well,
unless you bite it really hard.)

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning
now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I
gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on
your face, now do you?

..~...~...~...~...~..
Still a great chuckle

Best Little Convent In Texas

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign
out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then
he
drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the
door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son? '" He
answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing
business."
Very well, my son. Please follow me. The man is led through many
winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup
answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup,
then go
through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $100
out
of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut
behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the
parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older redneck cop, were
making
their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a
very
young couple fooling around in a tent.

"Cletus, what should we do?" The rookie cop always deferred to his more
experienced partner.

Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little
punk
to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw
'em
both in jail. That's what we do!"

Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did. The boy ran off into the woods
and
Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten
minutes.

The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone
either! Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went
drooling to the tent.

Cletus entered and said, "Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what
it's
like with a real man."

From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say,
"Daddy?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived.
The first one comes up to the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What
did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'."

St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?"

The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive."

St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in."

The next man walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks, "What
did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'."

Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?"

The man says, "Heart attack. I was playing with my kids when my
heart gave out, and here I am."

Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in."

The third person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is dressed
like a street walker.

Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'."

Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of the big 'G'."

She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea."

Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea!"

The girl replies, "You do if you give it to Leroy!"
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town.
Tom
had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was
marrying a 'Mail Order Bride.' Being a good friend, the banker asked
Tom
if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then
asked
Tom 'How Old' the new bride to be was. Tom proudly said, "She'll be
twenty
one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the
sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old
man.
Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, the banker
tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out
on
the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course. Tom thought this was
a
good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker fan into Tom in town again. "How's
the
new wife??" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The
banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And
how's the
hired hand."

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Monday's Trivia


240 BC

The Greek mathematician Eratosthenes was the first to estimate accurately the diameter and circumference of the Earth. He compared the lengths of the noon shadows in Syene (now Aswan) and Alexandria in Egypt. He derived his calculation by knowing the distance between the two cities and correctly assuming that the sun was so far away that its rays were essentially parallel when they reach the Earth.

1586

English colonists sailed from Roanoke Island, North Carolina, after failing to establish England's first permanent settlement in America.

1862

Slavery was outlawed in United States territories.

1910

Father's Day was celebrated for the first time, in Spokane, Washington.

1912

The United States government founded a new rule for working people, it established the 8 hour work day.

1939

Atlanta, Georgia enacted legislation that prohibitted pinball machines in the city.

1943

The National Football League approved merging the Philadelphia Eagles and the Pittsburgh Steelers, but subsiquently failed to approve a similar merger between the Chicago Cardinals and the Chicago Bears.

1952

The TV quiz show I've Got a Secret premiered on CBS, with Garry Moore as its game show host. The successful show ran 15 seasons. The panelists on the debut show were Bill Cullen, Henry Morgan, Faye Emerson and Jayne Meadows.

1973

Cincinnatir Red Pete Rose reached the 2,000-career-hit plateau, ten years after his first pro-baseball appearance in Cincinnati.

1981

"Superman II" set the all-time, one-day record for box office receipts. Moviegoers forked over $5.5 million to see Christopher Reeve as the caped crusader. On June 21, 1981, the three-day record was shattered when a total gross of $14 million was collected.

1997

William Hague became the youngest leader of Britain's Conservative party in nearly 200 years.

1998

The film The X-Files, starrring TV's David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson as FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, opened in US theaters nationwide.

..~...~...~...~...~
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you said;

After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she
came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from
my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into
the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts the grass."

..~...~...~...~...~..
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated
cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she
was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get
moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a
book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I
decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room.
While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had
bought it a couple of years ago!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro
Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death? "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry,1775".

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of
the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher
glared and asked, "All right, Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit
to Chandra Levy, 2001".

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor,someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003".

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!

Teacher asked, "Who said that?

Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question:
How did I get here?

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for
200 years? No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Moses and the people were in the desert, but what was he going to do
with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 2 or 3 million people
requires a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General in the
Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have had 1500 tons of
food
each day. Do you know that to bring that much food each day, two
freight
trains, each at least a mile long, would be required! Besides you must
remember, they were out in the desert, so they would have to have
firewood to use in cooking the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood
and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, just for one day. And
just think, they were forty years in transit. And Oh yes! They would
have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few
dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day and a freight train
with tank cars, 1800 miles long, just to bring water! And then another
thing! They had to get across the Red Sea at night. Now, if they went
on
a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would
require 35 days and nights to get through. So there had to be a space
in
the Red Sea, 3 miles wide so that they could walk 5000 abreast to get
over in one night. But then, there is another problem...each time they
camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of the
state of Rhode Island was required, or a total of 750 square miles
long.
Think of it! This much space for camping!

..~...~...~...~...~

Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really
stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey,"
my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I
thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'" "It is," she said. "I
just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and forgotten."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I
hate to go home! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the
dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed." His co-worker asked, "Why
don't you find a nice girl and get married?" As the first man slammed
his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married!!!"

..~...~...~...~...~..



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Marie couldn't help thinking, the best thing about moving back to her
hometown was seeing so many familiar faces.

One day, in the grocery store, she recognized a man who had been a good
friend of her parents. He noticed her staring, so she quickly
introduced
herself as John and Helen's daughter.

"Helen's daughter!" he exclaimed. "Oh, such a beautiful lady."

He called to his wife, "Martha, come and see Helen's daughter. You
remember
Helen.... such a beautiful lady."

"Oh yes," Martha replied. "She was always so pretty."

After raving on about Marie's mother, he turned to her and said, "You
look
like your father..."

..~...~...~...~...~

A truck driver was tooling down the highway
one afternoon and heard a "pop." Thinking
that perhaps he had blown a tire, he steered
the rig onto the shoulder and walked back to
check his tires.

He found a bottle laying in the gutter. He picked
it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of
bottle it was when a very old genie popped out.

The genie said, "Man, I'm too old for this! You
get one wish--not three--just one."

The driver thought long and hard, and finally
said, "It would be really nice for all the bridges
to be wide enough that over-sized loads could
get through without any trouble."

The genie said, "Do you know how many bridges
that would be?! Can't you come up with something
simpler?"

The driver replied, "How about if you make all
the blondes as smart as brunettes?"

The genie shook his head vigorously and
answered, "How wide would you like those
bridges?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A couple of blondes went on vacation in
Colorado. they flew to Denver and rented
a car to sight see. One of the sights was
a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet
above the river.

Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it
swaying in the wind. Soon after, a car went
past and the wood-plank roadway moved
beneath their feet.

"I don't think I want to drive the car across
this bridge," one blonde said to the other.

"What are you worried about?" the second
replied. "It's a rental."

..~...~...~...~...~

A woman goes to her lawyer to ask about getting a divorce. The
lawyer asks, "Does he beat you?"
"No, he does not."
"Does he keep you short of money?"
"No, he does not."
"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"
"No, he is not."
"Is he unfaithful to you?"
"Ahhh, we've got him there. He was not the father of my last
child."


...~...~...~ ...~...~

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A REDNECK WEDDING

10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters.

9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" Ushers
ask
"Ford Or Chevy?"

8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops. Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts.

7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That".

6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by
Pinkard & Bowden.

5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"... some
guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"

4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been
doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"

3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos.

2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck
rally.

1. Sign in front of the church: No Shirt... No Shoes... No Problem!
...~...~...~.~...~..



Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting.
After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way
again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose
combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and
substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a
strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one
fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit.

It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses
and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst
people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a
banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein
that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax,
improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains
regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.


Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of
hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in
potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure.
So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the
banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to
reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were
helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast,
break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has
shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making
pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help
restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without
resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest
ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened
with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the
honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes
and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if
you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep
blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing
the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find
it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous
system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in
Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like
chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers
found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The
report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need
to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate
foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal
disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only
raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases.
It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the
lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling"
fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of
expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat
bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers
because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking & Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up
smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and
magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of
nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the
heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water
balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby
reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help
of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of
Medicine, 'eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk
of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to
kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart,
with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a
plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you
compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the
carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and
iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in
potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time
to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps
the doctor away!"

PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS
PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I
will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE
of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry

3 Comments:

At June 19, 2006 3:18 PM, Blogger Si's blog said...

Great blog. Enjoyed all of them and sent a link to friends and relatives. Thanks.
http://scdiv.spaces.msn.com/

 
At June 19, 2006 3:39 PM, Blogger Patty said...

Si thanks you for stopping by. I am glad you enjoyed your visit. Welcome back anytime.

 
At June 20, 2006 1:12 AM, Blogger mineralcosmeticswe said...

I was looking for something else when I found your blog.Anyway I found it very helpful.You may visit my new Perfume Reviews blog if you like.

 

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