The Mid Morning Edition
Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn't get home till the wee hours. They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks, "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?" Doug replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
(Something to piss off everyone)
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
Weird Fact :
The Great Wall stretches for about 4,500 miles across North China
A miner lost his leg in a pit accident in S Africa today. The poor fellow said afterwards, "I'm screwed now! Who needs a one-legged gold digger?" "Not me", shouted Paul McCartney.
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan,
Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar,
warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will
cut off America's supply of convenience store
If this drastic action does not yield sufficient
results, cab drivers will be next, followed by
Dell customer service reps.
Folks, it's getting ugly !!
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his
way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when
he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the
next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he
has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone,
"This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this
huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes
and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the street,
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came to a house of ill repute, and knocked on the door. When the Madam
answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I
want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it,
and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, what the hell, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He said, "I heard all the men talking
about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam
told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging
the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the
only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant
to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will
have sex with me because she's very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter
home. On the way, he' ll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and
have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman
will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the
son-of-a-bitch that ran over my frog."
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he
heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted:
Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night.
What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean
is "Shut the f**k up!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could
be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
"I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle." --Dan Whitney
This one man comes to America from a foreign country. He is at a baseball game for the first time. While he is sitting in the stands, he sees a man hit a ball and then run. He notices everyone get up and start to scream "run." So the next time someone hits the ball he stands up and says "run ya bastard run." Now that he got the hang of it he did this every time the ball was hit. A few minutes later he sees a guy lay down the bat and walk towards first base, so he gets up and says "run ya bastard run." Every one started to laugh. He sat down in embarrassment and a man kindly leaned over his shoulder and said "he doesn't have to run." The man replied "why not?" He said "because he's got four balls." So the foreign man stood up and said . . ."walk with pride my boy!"
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"
My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."
Weird Fact :
The largest hotel in the world is the MGM Grand, which has 5,034 rooms and is located in Las Vegas, Nevada
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a
small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact
time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the
regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every
day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact
time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All
this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose
intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with
his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had
found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them
what that meant. A couple of months later, he took the kids to a
local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was
very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not
up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest
daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and
declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast,
he is black toast intolerant." Needless to say, after a moment's
silence, the whole restaurant burst into laughter.
A newlywed couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon and found
themselves shipwrecked on an island where a tribe of cannibals lived.
The inhabitants were very welcoming, however. In fact, when they
found out the couple had just been married, the cannibals threw a
party! They toasted the bride, then they barbecued the groom.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
After two hours of exhausting sex with this gorgeous young prostitute, the guys says: 'I sorry but you won't see me for a little while'. The prostitute looks very sad and asks: 'Are you too busy to see me next week'. 'No no my darling, that's not what I mean. Could you please just turn around...
Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up with a vagina for a day 1. Immediately go shopping for a huge cucumber and zucchinni. 2. Squat over a hand held mirror for 2 hours. 3. See if he could actually do the splits. 4. See if it's possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 5. Cross his legs with out rearranging. 6. Get picked up at a bar in less than 10 minutes before closing time. 7. Have multiple orgasms and still be ready for more, without taking a nap first. 8. Go to a gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 9. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breast. 10. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!
Older than the hills....
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome late one afternoon. It starts getting dark and one of the nuns gets a little nervous. She leans over to the other nun and says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."
There once was a man named Brewster, Who said to his wife as he goosed her, That used to be grand, But just look at my hand, Your not wiping as good as you used to!
Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?" "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!" "Why?" his father asked. "Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the
The way to endure summer in England is to have it
framed and glazed in a comfortable room
Weird Fact :
The range of a medieval long-bow is 220 yards.
Weird Fact of the Day:
The longest Hollywood kiss was from the 1941 film, "You're in the Army Now." It lasted for three minutes and three seconds.
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time
that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude
out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a
lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they
were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each
was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off
Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter's gate,
there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven.
St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name, what did you accomplish during
The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen and I was a New York City taxi
driver for 14 years."
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you
may walk in the streets of our Lord."
St. Peter looks at the Father and asks, "What is your name and what did you
He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan and I have devoted the last 62 years to
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you
"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden
scepter. Why did I only get a cotton robe and a wooden staff"?
"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale. You see, while
you preached, everyone slept. When he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"