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Saturday, June 24, 2006

Monday Madness



~...~...~...~...~...
Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our
leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law
had quit smoking, gone on a diet, and lost weight all at the same time.
Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at
least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her,
"What did he start doing instead of these things?"
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is pregnant now."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?
..~...~...~...~...~.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of
Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffe e and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out
into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and att empt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages,
goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled
him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming
out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in
casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed,
" WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to
a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,
he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the evening praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body
cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall.
We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty! .
Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; not one among the whole group.
But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans.
Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear.
I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short,
because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddies'
good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.
It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those who can't afford
a decent pair of jeans I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for
"poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and
distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.
But here is the saddest part... it was the girls they were hanging out with.
Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such poverty-stricken girls.
These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sister's
clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! and barely went over their hipbones.
Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections.
However, it was their underwear that really bothered us.
Like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes,
had their underwear exposed. We had never seen anything like it.
It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.
We figure the mall is one place where they can find acceptance.
So, next time you are at the mall, and you pass by some of these poor teenagers,
Instead of wondering “why?” say a prayer that their pants don’t fall down.

..~...~...~...~...~..
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they
had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their
new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming.
Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing.
Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied
"Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls... and he had 'em.




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


Q. What Do You Call A Woman Who Puts Her Diaphragm In Crooked? A. Mother
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
INSULTS for all occations. You are so stupid, that you sit on the TV and watch the couch! You were so ugly when you were a child, your mamma had to tie a porkchop around your neck just so the dog would play with you! You're so ugly that when you looked out the window, you got arrested for "mooning." You're so ugly that when you went for a job application in a haunted house they said, "No proffesionals allowed!" You're so poor you stuck your key into the front door and killed four people in the hall! You're so poor, your front and back door are on the same hinge! You're so stupid that you returned a donut because it had a hole in the middle! If I had a dog as ugly as you, I would shave his butt and make him walk back-wards! Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" "That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" "That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?" Douglas replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!" The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?" Douglas replied, "The same place you got that fucking train!"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got wasted." The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange. Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year." Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never EVER marry my mother!" The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the salt?"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*





The class was studying the Middle Ages, and all the kids were having fun learning about chivalry and knights and such. Finally, it came time for all the Knights to become 'Knighted' it was then, that little Johnny asked the teacher, "Do all the ladies get 'Laid' tomorrow?"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
There once was a minister, whose wife was expecting a baby. He went to the congregation and asked for a raise. They passed a rule that when the minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation held a meeting about this. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and discussion. The minister gets up to the pulpit and speaks "Having children is an act of GOD!" A little man in the back rises and says, "Point of information, snowing and raining are an act of GOD, but we wear rubbers!"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff? A Cadillac seats six

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Sadam H. and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in the teeth first?? Housain, Business before pleasure

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery
Will always overcome youth and skill!

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
Experience

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
"Didn't I see you on a poster that said "My daddy didn't use condoms!"?

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
KIDS IN CHURCH:
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry
about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


Love v/s marriage

1. Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in
the street.

2. Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant, Marriage is fish &
chips take-away.

3. Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

4. Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about
getting away from children.

5. Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.

6. Love is a romantic drive, Marriage is a tarmac drive.

7. Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.

8. Love is sweet nothing in the ear, Marriage is sweet nothing in the
bank.

9. Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.

10. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've
had enough?"

11. Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is
staying awake all night having an argument

12. Love is driving to 'lovers lane' Marriage is driving to the
supermarket

13. Love is not being together enough. Marriage is being together too
long

14. Love is skipping work to be close to her. Marriage is working
overtime to keep away from her

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
We Were So Poor....

We were so poor, we could only afford...

... Medicines called placebos

... Five of the Ten Commandments

... Bagel holes

... Sunrise OR Sunset

... Webster's Extremely Abridged Dictionary

... White Crayolas

... Ivory soap soup mix

... Blue suede shoe boxes

... Lipton Tea Bag strings


~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
A man was waiting at the train station. The train was due at 5:23 PM.
Finally, it rolled into the station at 6:07 PM.

"You're LATE," the man said to the conductor. "What's the use of having
a schedule if you're going to be late anyway?"

The Conductor looked at him, and said, "Sir, if we didn't have a
schedule, how on earth would you realize what time you were supposed to
be at the station? And how would you know that we were late?"
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the
next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped
outside to
talk. When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."

"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too
much noise."

5 Comments:

At June 28, 2006 4:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At June 28, 2006 5:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
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a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 
At June 28, 2006 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 
At June 29, 2006 9:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At June 29, 2006 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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