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Monday, June 12, 2006

Monday Morning's Mess

No pics bloggers pms'n again

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One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here. Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope - while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing - that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have thier favorite "substitute". Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date. So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place. But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum - and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ." Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."
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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said,"You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
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Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle." Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is. The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?" Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway. So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive." Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?" Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive." And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?" Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"
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Three women work for a reputable advertising agency on Madison Avenue. All of them started on the exact same day in the mail room, and they've all worked exactly the same amount of time, with the same amount of work. After a few years they all get promoted to a position that is quite high in the echelon of this particular agency. They all get their own offices, and a substantial pay raise. What's more, they get their own name plate on their door! On the day of the move, one of the women is shocked to see that the other womens' offices have nameplates on their doors', but on her office there is no nameplate. Furiously, she goes to the company president and asks him why she hasn't gotten a nameplate yet. "Well, Audrie, this agency is run by myself, as you know." With this he unzips his fly and pulls out his penis. He points at it and says, "And this is Quality. And in this business, Quality goes in before the name goes on."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?" She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..." He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?" She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..." He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..." She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."
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A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing between a girls legs that has hair on it?" His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina." His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what is that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's vagina?" "Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father. "OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth peice of skin that is below a woman's vagina?" The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here. Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope - while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing - that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have thier favorite "substitute". Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date. So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place. But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum - and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ." Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said,"You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle." Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is. The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?" Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway. So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive." Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?" Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive." And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?" Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Three women work for a reputable advertising agency on Madison Avenue. All of them started on the exact same day in the mail room, and they've all worked exactly the same amount of time, with the same amount of work. After a few years they all get promoted to a position that is quite high in the echelon of this particular agency. They all get their own offices, and a substantial pay raise. What's more, they get their own name plate on their door! On the day of the move, one of the women is shocked to see that the other womens' offices have nameplates on their doors', but on her office there is no nameplate. Furiously, she goes to the company president and asks him why she hasn't gotten a nameplate yet. "Well, Audrie, this agency is run by myself, as you know." With this he unzips his fly and pulls out his penis. He points at it and says, "And this is Quality. And in this business, Quality goes in before the name goes on."
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If Russia was to attack Turkey from the rear- would Greece help?
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I loved this, its so true, hope you enjoy it: We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HR. and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day! Or at least make them laugh a little...
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4 Comments:

At June 12, 2006 10:26 AM, Blogger Velcro said...

Hilarious!

 
At June 12, 2006 12:40 PM, Blogger brakecaliperslm said...

I was looking for something else when I found your blog.Anyway I found it very useful.You may visit my new Autoparts blog if you like.

 
At June 12, 2006 1:01 PM, Blogger Patty said...

hey Josh Welcome. Have fun and thanks for stopping by.

 
At June 12, 2006 2:46 PM, Blogger naturalskincarelk said...

Looks like I'm on the wrong blog.Anyway I found it very useful.You may visit my new Perfumes blog if you like.

 

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