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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

More Better Or Just Laughes



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Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying
da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an
stuff. Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an
Boudreaux got knock unconscience. Then da plane started driftin.
Pierre him come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over
da steerin wheel. Well, Pierre don't know notin bout flyin an he
start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May
Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an
I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!" "Dis is da control tower,"
someone answer. "Don you worry about nutin. We gonna splain how fo
you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave
arything ta us Fus, how high are you an whas you position?" Pierre
though a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da
front of da plane." "No!No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an
where's you location?" Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm
from Thibodeaux!" "No!No!No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to
know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in
relation to da airport!" Pierre start to panic by dis time. He
say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine, we got four feet off da ground an
I don believe dis plane's related to you airport!" A long pause-------
-the silence was deafenin. "We needs to know who you next of kin is
and where to send da flowers!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age
of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather
peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his
order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was
particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally
ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton
woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny
early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the
Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say
Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room,
Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles
away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After
all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about
this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away
with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the
pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It
WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at
the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled
and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"


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Excuses
I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to
take it to the vet.

My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush
stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.

I won't be in today because I have come down
with Spring Fever.

I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and
I landed on my elbow.

Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a
gay guy who didn't like the remarks I made about
him and he hit me in the face and broke the
windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to
hit him with.

I have a head ache.... # 22...actual times someone
at work has called in with this excuse!

I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my
son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in
the hospital.

I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.

I'm not coming in because I need a mental day.

Last night we had a party and I woke up with a
strange man in my bed!





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All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by Morris, a self-
proclaimed genius who commented on everyone's poker hand and style of
play. When Morris went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a
plan to silence him.

"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then
he'll have to shut up."

The busybody Morris returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and
gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards
and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore
five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and
kept five himself.

"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."

"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you two
dollars."

The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much
deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you five dollars."

Morris shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. " You're
never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the after life with me." And so he got his wife to promise
him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the
money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in
the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was
sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the
undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just
a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put
it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and
they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't
fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." She
said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I
promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with
him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with
him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check. If he
can cash it, he can spend it."

... Never Underestimate The Intelligence Of A Woman ...


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~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A guy walk into a bar with a giraffe and orders two beers.
The bartender looks puzzled but nonetheless he gives the
guy the two beers.
The guy proceeds to drink one and he then climbs up the
giraffe and pours the second beer into the giraffe's mouth.
The bartender is impressed. This continues for a couple
of hours when finally the giraffe falls to the floor drunk.
The man then pays his bill and starts to leave. The bar- tender yells
out "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' here!" and the man yells
back, "For your information it's a giraffe" and walks out.


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GRANDMA:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk
if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come
from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that
the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting
there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned
out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What
an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must
have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back
seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good
luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this
religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down,
leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Along with all of the eye-candy summertime brings
(which of course we all spend a good chunk of the day monitoring),
you can also see some truly horrifying sights. The other day, I saw a
woman whose entire 300 pound frame was clearly convinced that she was
Britney Spears and dressed accordingly. I understand that much of it
has to do with the fashions of the day, but if you think that low-
rider jeans are equal opportunity then you are dumber than Jessica
Simpson.

I have compiled a list of terms that describe the types of fat found
on most big-boned, I-only-eat-salad-with-blue-cheese-dressing-kinds
of fat girls.

Fatty Tuna Rolls - The pinched fat on or around the hips
caused by low-rise pants in size 4 when you are really a size 12.

Skate Wings - The puckered fat hanging from the triceps, similar in
texture to the eponymous fish and revealed by teeny-weeny tank tops.

Pulled Pork - The red-tinted stretch marks on one's underbelly made
visible by a combination of low-rise pants and tiny tanks.

Sausage Links - The obvious similarity of obese fingers to the summer
barbeque delicacy. Those afflicted should be required to wear mittens
year round.

Tootsie Rolls - The somewhat utilitarian back fat often accentuated
by brassieres purchased 4 years and 50 pounds ago. I have seen these
large enough to provide temporary storage for things like remote
controls and chicken wings.

Bone-in Rib Eye (also known as the cankle) - This phenomenon
is seen in short-wearers whose calf connects directly to the foot. No
ankle.

Passion Fruit Soufflé - Sometimes when the breasts outgrow
the bra they simply spill over it like a muffin top or a rising
soufflé. Too much of these is probably how you got into this whole
mess anyway.

Jelly Bellies - This one should be self-explanatory.
And it's disgusting.

Amuse Course - Ever get a HUGE plate with an itsy bit of fancy food?
Just like a face adrift in multiple chin and cheek fat.

Double Burger - Sometimes when the stomach extends forward
past the breasts, it can provide adequate support without requiring a
bra. I bet this looks really funny upside down.


If you have any of the items on this list then get off your fat, lazy
ass and get to the gym. In the meanwhile, try to shop someplace more
appropriate. Like Lane Bryant.



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1 Comments:

At July 11, 2006 9:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello,
I am a musician who has been heavily influenced by Keith Green. I would be honored if you would check out my music. All music on my site is free for download.

I don't mean to be a pest, so if this message is an annoyance, please delete it and accept my humblest of apologies. I just want to share my music with people who love Jesus.

Thanks,
-Sean
______________
www.SeanDietrich.com
"All my music is free."

 

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