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Monday, June 12, 2006

Okay Back To the Giggles


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was
discussing various items in the Kinsey report.

The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out
that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that
...Who was 'HE?' "

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
To: All EMS Personnel
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that
many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction
lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from
using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as
the following.

1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or
HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down,
go boom),TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like
"negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration
syndrome."

4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal
intubation
referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being
"paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD
(circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long
playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of
our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper
narratives and log entries.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
They now say that tests on monkeys prove that HIV can be
transmitted through oral sex. What I want to know is, what
weirdo was hired to blow the monkeys ?

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Dirt:

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of
15
and leave it alone

Cobwebs:

Cobwebs artfully draped over lamp shades reduce the glare from the
bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that
the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim
"What?
And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them
holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair:

Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play
animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in
winter.)

Guests:

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room
and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to
see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO
expensive."

Dusting:

If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to
scatter
her ashes."

General Cleaning:

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous location. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the
couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
As
a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie
pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a
bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean . . .
works every time!

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Shane "One-Spur" Blumberg, the original Jewish cowboy, was famous for
wearing only one spur on his boots.

Once, when confronted by a young reporter from a Dallas newspaper, he
agreed to do an interview with the scrappy young reporter, if only to
bring a good name to the Jewish community among his big ranching
neighbors.

The first meaningful question out of the young reporter's mouth was,
"So
why do you wear only one spur?"

To which Shane Blumberg replied, "Well, I wasn't born with silver spurs
on my boots, and besides, the way I figure, when one side of a horse
starts to run, so will the other."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A dinner party of different nationalities had
arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a
glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they
noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in
it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the
same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in
a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and
drank the wine.

* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.

* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.

* The jew caught the fly and sold it to the
Chinese.

* The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and
then demanded to have new wine.

* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to
fish for cod.

* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in
the wine, which he then donated to the
Englishman.

* The American sued the restaurant and claimed
for a 65 million dollar compensation for
mental suffering.

* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat
and roared: 'Now spit out all that you
swallowed!!'

* The Ostrobothnian claimed it was an evil
democrat scheme and gave the waiter a nasty
stab with his knife. He also refused to drink
the wine, as this is women's business and
wondered loudly what is keeping the vodka he
ordered.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Top 11 Things That Anti-War Protesters Would Have
Said At the Normandy Invasion on D-Day (Had There
Been Anti-War Protesters At Normandy)

11. No blood for French Wine!

10. It's been two and a half years since Pearl Harbor and they
still haven't brought Admiral Nagumo to justice

9. In 62 years, the date will be 6/6/6. A coincidence? I think not.

8. All this death and destruction is because the neo-cons are in
the pocket of Israel

7. The soldiers are still on the beach, this invasion is a quagmire

6. Sure the holocaust is evil, but so was slavery

5. We are attacked by Japan and then attack France? Roosevelt
is worse than the Kaiser!

4. Why bring democracy to Europe by force and not to Korea or
Vietnam? I blame racism

3. This war doesn't attack the root causes of Nazism

2. I support the troops, but invading Germany does not guarantee
that in 56 years we won't have a President who's worse than Hitler

1. I don't see Roosevelt or Churchill storming the beaches --
they're Chicken Hawks


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with?
A: Say whatever you want... he's asleep.

Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
In the middle of harvesting, one of the farmhands had to
obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field
and started to pee. Most unfortunately, he was stung by a
bee right on the tip of his penis. The pain was unbearable,
but he remembered a piece of good advice. He went to the
farmer's house and put his penis in buttermilk.

At that moment, the farmer's daughter walked in. Her face
red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand
asked.

To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time
I've seen one being reloaded!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

Conserve water. Shower with a friend.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Don't laugh at these fogged up windows. It's your daughter in here.

If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really, really good.
When it's bad, it's still pretty good!

I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.

Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
VITAL INFORMATION.............

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women,
what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



Why the USA is in trouble

A Washington, D.C., airport ticket agent offers some examples of why
the
country is in trouble!


I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to
Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight, and the passport
information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you
look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to
make her look stupid, calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts;
Capetown is in Africa," Her response - click.


A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package
we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he
was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin
state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so
close on the map."


An aide for a cabinet member once called, and asked if he could rent a
car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only
a one hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a
car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am, and got to
Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.


A New York lawmaker called, and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I
said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in
with
the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for
a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and
explained the city code for Fresno, California, is (FAT), and the
airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"


I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How
do
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these
planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called, and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Florida, on a commuter plane.
She
said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"


A senior Senator called, and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times, and never had to have one of those." I
double-checked and
sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said,
"Look, I've been to China four times, and every time they have accepted
my American Express!"

AND FINALLY:

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I
said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back
with,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country,
and
can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be
silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So, I scoured a map of
the state of New York, and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do
you?"
The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal"

Now you know why the US Government is in the shape it's in!

3 Comments:

At June 12, 2006 10:48 PM, Blogger Gunz said...

That is awesome...I love it! lmbo.

 
At June 13, 2006 3:28 AM, Blogger bar-codes said...

Very nice blog! If you want to learn more about barcode come here - http://barcode.usbizsys.com/barcode-standards.html

 
At June 13, 2006 2:03 PM, Blogger Junebugg said...

How do you keep coming up with these! Wonderful, as always.

 

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