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Friday, June 02, 2006

Overload On Saturday Some Old and Some New



Remembering The King Elvis
http://www.geocities.com/thekingelvis03/links.html
Military photos . net
http://www.militaryphotos.net/
Steam Engines at Living Heritage Craft Shows
http://www.craft-show.co.uk/attractions/Steam_Engines/
Slugs and Bugs gardening Tips
http://www.ces.purdue.edu/gardentips/insects/slugs.html
Fireworks
http://www.angelfire.com/stars2/sparky255/gifpage.html
Kaliedoscopes
http://ratx.org/bg/kali/
Devscripts: PHP Tutorials
http://www.devscripts.net/tutorials/

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Top Twenty Signs She May Think Sex With You Is Boring

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks
in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at
solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda,
Yadda, Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her
pants on
too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating....

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

PUNS
When those around King Arthur's table had insomnia, there were a lot
of sleepless knights.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was
Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was
Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could
eat another bite'.

My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was
filling in.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.


A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

At first I hated my haircut, but now it's growing on me.

The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.

It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!

When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.


Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient.

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

When the human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacement of
the right caliber.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.

You should never drink beyond the pint of no return.
Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

The price of shingles is going through the roof.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

I started to work at a seafood buffet, but then I pulled a mussel.

What happens when you fall in love with a chauffeur?
You get taken for a ride.

Old anesthesiologists never die, they just run out of gas.

What do you get if you cross a cow with a belly dancer?
A milk shake

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Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name. They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?"

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What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say No to drugs and Yes
to chores?
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Two lion hunters weren't having any luck at all until they decided to
fill the watering hole that they were watching with bourbon. This
idea worked so well that in just a few hours they were able to dine
on the sotted lion.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back." She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
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Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week." The pastor was amazed, "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?" The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and two in Reno.
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Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life. As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities. One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." "I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell." So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad." God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
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A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back." She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
In order to get into show business, Jason bought a tuna and tried to
teach it to play the tuba. Unfortunately, the fish's efforts weren't
noteworthy. It wasn't that he didn't give a toot; he just couldn't
pucker. When Jason went to see a professional musician and told him
about his problem, the musician asked, "Have you tried him on
strings? You may have bought yourself a piano tuna!"
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John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got
her fixed. However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had
identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity.
John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A
Spayed Oddity."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bob and Jim were getting ready for the company awards dinner for the best salesman. Bob was in the running to win an award that evening and wanted to make sure he looked his best when he claimed his prize. He felt luck was with him and was sure to win. He stood in front of the mirror to fix his tie but the mirror was crooked, so he reached over to straighten it out and it came crashing down on the floor. "Oh no," said Bob. "Now I am going to have seven years bad luck." "Nonsense," said Jim. My uncle once broke a mirror and he didn't have seven years bad luck." "Really?" said Bob, feeling much better knowing that. "Yeah really," said Jim. "He died that day."


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My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine. The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow." "But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
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A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breath."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen. "I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry. A long silence, and Pauly speaks to MrsPauly: "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up! Then MrsPauly lights in on Pauly: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?" Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other and screwing in every room in the house--you think that's a good example too?" And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen? And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year."
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A drunk that regularly annoyed the bartender at the local bar, was prohibited from entering the bar because he could never pay for any of his drinks and he always had a wise crack for the very annoyed bartender. Well, one Friday evening the drunk again tried his luck to enter the bar and score some free drinks but he was immediately thrown out by his old enemy the bartender. Sitting outside and trying to figure out how to get some free drinks, the drunk heard two other guys, whom was also in a state as it was pay-day, argue about the existence of Jesus Christ. He saw this as his opportunity to score some free drinks and he jumped out from his hiding place behind the dumpster and announced in a loud sluggish voice.. "I'm Jesusshh Chrisshst and here I am....!!!". Obviously the two guys was startled (as they were also really drunk by this time) but this was a solution to their argument and they proceeded to question the drunk... "How can you be Jesusssh Chisshhsst when he does not exist..Prove it..!!!" To which the drunk replied.."If I could produssce one witnesshh, will you guys buy me a litre of whissshkey..??" "Of courssshe, if you can get one more witnessh.. then we'll know for sure that you're Jesusssh Chrisshst..!!!". So the drunk said.."Follow me..!!"..and they proceeded into the bar where the drunk was thrown out of earlier and banned for life. As soon as the bartender saw him, he shouted very loudly.."Jesus Christ..!!!! Are you back here again..!!!"
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5 Comments:

At June 05, 2006 8:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At June 05, 2006 9:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At June 08, 2006 12:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At June 09, 2006 3:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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It's not available everywhere, so go to the site and put
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and extra $900 a month!

Make Extra Money

 
At July 22, 2006 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice idea with this site its better than most of the rubbish I come across.
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