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Sunday, June 11, 2006

Overloaded Sunday Funnies.




The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He
was happy to tell me of his job. His latest project is the splicing of
DNA from different species of birds.

First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He
called it a "Phen."

Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a
Phoose."

Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a
duck. He called it... "Charlie."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The Perfect Breakfast:

-You're sitting at the table and your son
is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.

-Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.

-Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There was a young fellow from Yale,
Whose face was exceedingly pale...
He spent his vacation,
In self-masturbation,
Because of the high price of tail.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a
good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket
theater seats. It works like a charm. The front of the church always fills
up first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "and you mentioned
that a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the
church. It really has".

"Thank you, Father", answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are
open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest ,"I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions and the donations
have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'N Tell or Go To Hell", just
can't stay on the church roof!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the
afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before
he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but
he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his
secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed
note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when
I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 -there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque
for $250 with the following note :

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the
heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding
the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't
have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady!!

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman
if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from
Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir. What size? and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can
do for you?"

"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan
counted out is money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you
a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied..............
"From the floor, ma'am.......From the floor
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring
around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they
passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper
with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my
humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to
them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals
make you into a Sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." The husband, after some
badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he
slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes . .something
his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed
a firm Hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is
hanging around unemployed,

30% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off and
10% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Effective January 1, 2001, penises
will be taxed according to size. The brackets
are as follows:

> 10"-12" Luxury Tax
> 8"-10" Pole Tax
> 5"-8" Privilege Tax
> 4"-5" Nuisance

Tax Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Issues still under consideration are as follows...
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
How Busy Are You?
I'm Busier Than ...

... Michael Jackson in a day care center
... a dog with two dicks
... Richard Simmons on a fat farm
... a half-fucked fox during the heat season
... a two-peckered billy goat
... a black L.A. hooker in Hugh Grant's BMW
... a monkey trying to fuck a football
... a toilet in Grand Central Station
... a gopher on a golf course
... a bar of soap at San Quentin

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




I used to work for a large company, they often did special things for
us
to make work a little more enjoyable, below is a memo I found in my
desk
today thought I would pass it on.

Casual Day

Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as
Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate
attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or
moccasins.

Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When
planning
Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4
p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is
mandatory.

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day
Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A
copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been
mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You
Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist
before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the
appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
representative
before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been
discontinued, effective immediately.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq.
"American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national
leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage
a useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to
return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you
foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave
resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your
name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So
why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president
who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why
should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter
profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are
still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a bodybag."

"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo
Rose?"

"No," answers the other. "It's just CNN !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q and A
Q: What do you call a man with a broken condom?
A: Daddy.

Q: Why did the Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
A: Because they wore their buckle on their hat.

Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."

Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask; you can *see* who the best man is.

Q: Did you hear about the new auto insurance policy for Jewish mothers?
A: It is known as the "My Fault" policy.

Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac?
A: A hunting dog sics a duck.

Q: How much does a grand piano cost?
A: $1000.00.

Q: Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A: Just in case they get a hole in one.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job ... ever!

Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it
into a bullet.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting:
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless
before
your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"

Undressing:
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

Foreplay/Oral Sex:
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your
impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he
cums,
I'm going to kill him."

Penetration:
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in
half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Your Orgasm:
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this
performance." What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other
guy's name here), yes!"

Postcoital Bliss:
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels
like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend
Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~




~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When crazy glue was invented lots of people became attached to it.

Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down.

If cats could read they would paws after each claws.

A man played the organ in his garden to get organically grown food.

Some people are on seefood diets: they see food ... they eat it.

Those who make sponges get very absorbed in their work.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A sleeping cow is also a bulldozer.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~




How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are
no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog



The 10 Most Annoying Alarm Clocks

#10 - Climbing clock . It hangs above your head and starts climbing
while it rings. Don't wake up fast enough, and you won't be able to
shut
it up without a ladder.

# 9 Wake Up Puzzle . You have to build the puzzle to make it stop

# 8 Wake or Curse . You can ask it what the time is and it will answer.
But if you don't wake up quickly enough it will curse you.

# 7 High Tech . This one has a vibrator, 95 db alarm and police style
rotating light that you cannot ignore.

# 6 Find The Pin - You need find the right pin to stop it's ringing.
Not
going to stay sleepy after this mission.

# 5 Chicken and Egg Problem - The egg laying alarm clock. It will only
quiet down after you put all the eggs back.

# 4 GI Joe . You will wake to the sound of your commander's wake up
call. Don't mess with it.

# 3 Floating Around - Will float around the room until you'll catch it.

# 2 Kaboom - This acoustic grenade will wake the neighborhood with it's
ultra loud sound level.

# 1 Hide and Seek - The winner is the hide and seek alarm clock. Once
it
begins to ring it falls down to the floor and finds a random place to
hide. Chase it down or else you're doomed.

12 Comments:

At June 11, 2006 1:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At June 11, 2006 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At June 11, 2006 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
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and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
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At June 11, 2006 1:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
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At June 11, 2006 1:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
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and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
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At June 11, 2006 1:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
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a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
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At June 11, 2006 1:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At June 11, 2006 1:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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I made over $900 last month having fun!
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At June 11, 2006 10:01 PM, Blogger Gunz said...

Well blogger is acting crazy again tonight...If this comment is followed by 10 more than know I just posted once.

I like it! your blog is pretty darn cool and I enjoyed myself reading and looking at this funny stuff. I laughed my butt off.

 
At June 12, 2006 7:05 AM, Blogger Patty said...

Hey thanks for coming by. I glad you liked your visit.

 
At June 13, 2006 7:13 AM, Blogger Horny Old Guy said...

I liked that limerick about the masturbating guy from Yale. It sounds like the story of my life except I didn't go to Yale...I went to Ding Dong School instead! Cheers!

 
At June 16, 2006 1:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
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