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Friday, June 23, 2006

Saturday Afternoon Edition


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What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

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Weird Fact:
The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com.
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DEAR ABBY:

I recently made a batch of pancakes for my healthy 14-year-old son, using a mix that was in our pantry. He said that they tasted "funny," but ate them anyway. About 10 minutes later, he began having difficulty breathing and his lips began turning purple. I gave him his allergy pill, had him sit on the sofa and told him to relax. He was wheezing while inhaling and exhaling. My husband, a volunteer firefighter and EMT, heated up some water, and we had my son lean over the water so the steam could clear his chest and sinuses. Soon, his breathing became more regular and his lips returned to a more normal color. We checked the date on the box of pancake mix and, to my dismay, found it was very outdated. As a reference librarian at an academic institution, I have the ability to search through many research databases. I did just that, and found an article the next day that mentioned a 19-year-old male DYING after eating pancakes made with outdated mix. Apparently, the mold that forms in old pancake mix can be toxic! When we told our friends about my son's close call, we were surprised at the number of people who mentioned that they should check their own pancake mix since they don't use it often, or they had purchased it some time ago. With so many people shopping at warehouse-type stores and buying large sizes of pancake mix, I hope your readers will take the time to check the expiration date on their boxes. Also, beware of outdated cake, brownie and cookie mixes.

There's more info at snopes.com. Here's the link:

www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/pancake.asp

Lesson lea rned; be sure to check dates on everything and basically, just don't eat anything old!

PASS IT ON!!!!


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Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is
from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.

A good looking woman walks by ... the man from California states "She's
about an 8."

The man from New York states "No, no ... she's a 6."

The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1."

The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and
say, "Well, she was not that good looking."

All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another
woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first.

The man from California exclaims "9"

The man from New York cries "8.5"

The man from St. Louis says "2"

The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all
types."

Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.

The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10"

The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5"

The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is
wrong with you?" "Are you gay?" "She was beautiful!"

The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser
method."

The man from California asks "What is that?"

The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how
many Clydesdales (horses) it would take to pull her off my face."

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Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"

"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked.

"Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."
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Male Instructional Guide For Relationships

The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.,
relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are
encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior
in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as
emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few
personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back
when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to
sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4
inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky
stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.





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A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.

"I'd like a little brother," a boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. Why do you want
a little brother"?

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."


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Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns.
When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband,
"Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"

"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied.
"You always know where you're going when I'm driving."

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AN AUSSIE LOVE POEM.

OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING
YOU’RE A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD
AND WHEN I SAY YOUR GORGEOUS
I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD

SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE
I DON’T MIND A BIT OF FLAB
IT MEANS THAT WHEN I’M READY
THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB

SO YOUR BELLY ISNT FLAT NO MORE
I TELL YA,I DON’T CARE
SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA
I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE

NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE
HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS
THEY JUST GAVE INTO GRAVITY
BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST

I’M TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW
I NEVER TELL YA LIES
I THINK ITS VERY SEXY
THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS

I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE NOW
THE MOMENT THAT WE MET
I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD AS
I WAS EVER GUNNA GET

NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE
I’LL ALWAYS LUV YA DEAR
NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTIES ON
AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER.

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Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending
a friend over to look at a horse to buy.

Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.


"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.


"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?"

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I thee her twat?"

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams
the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's rear end, pulls him out
and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should wephrase
that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

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The preacher came to call the other day.

He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him: "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am

in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself.

"Now, what am I here after?"


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An Italian, an Irishman and a Polish man, all first time
fathers, are pacing nervously in a maternity ward waiting
room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding
up a new black newborn.

"Yours?" she asked the Italian man, who immediately curses
her out in Italian and says "No! notta my kid!"
"Yours?" The nurse asks the Irishman, who answers "It bloody
well not be!"
"OK, then it must be yours", she informs the Pole, who
sheepishly looks at the ground and mumbles "It must be,
my wife burns everything!"
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There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town
and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they
passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to
ride and the old man to walk.

The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they
changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought
that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.

The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed
some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they
had a donkey to ride.

The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they
decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people
who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little
animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were
right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it
fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will
eventually lose your ass.

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Q. What's a wife?
A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get
the housework done.

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For all those men who say,
Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.

Here's an update for you:
Now days, 80% of women are against marriage.

WHY?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an
entire pig just to get a little sausage.

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As parents, we all at some point are faced with this. Pretty soon,
the little ones start asking questions: Embarrassing ones at
that! I remember when my kids asked me,
"Where do babies come from."

I try not to lie to them! I told them the straight facts:
"Carelessness..... pure carelessness!"


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My husband and I have our two mothers sharing a double room
in our community seniors' home. One is 96, mentally alert, but has
little sight; the other is 90, in good health, but is often confused
and totally devoid of memory retention or recall. Together, they
complement each other's handicaps and help each other: one relates
the messages; the other relates the vision.

While out on a drive one day, my mother was describing the passing scene,
and said to my mother-in-law, "Too bad you aren't able to see all this."

My mother-in-law quickly replied: "That's all right. At least I'll remember
where I've been."



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One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
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How To Be An Ohioan
1. Know the state casserole. The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon in case he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of concern that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at liftoff.
2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Swiss cheese, Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration and Gahanna, seeking an edge over other towns, has recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low-density Lipoprotein Festival. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend these festivals and at least buy an elephant ear.
3. Know the geography. Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans who couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Ohio.
4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse, which is that you stay here because you like the change of seasons. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember about Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.
6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign capital (Lima or Berlin, for example) you must not pronounce it that way lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Hence, it's not "LEE-ma" (as in Peru), but "LYE-ma" (as in bean). Berlin is pronounced "BER-lin", not "Ber-LIN" (like in Germany).
7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state's affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.
8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be knowledgeable on three levels: professional, college and high school. The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot quarterback at the Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom and what he got on his biology quiz last week.
9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust. 1
0. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of "Amish moo shu pork".
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So This guy walks into a bar... ...
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything." ...
This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..." ...
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..." ...
This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face... ...
These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..." ...
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!" ...
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club... ...
This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..." ...
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.." ...
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer... ...
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" ...
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes... ...
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..." ...
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..." ...
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" ...
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..." ...
Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy... ...
A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said... ...
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted... ...
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..." ...
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...' ...
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."





A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference
between Yankees and Southerners...

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Weenie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to the Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had...

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Following are a few gems taken from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require pre- scription
drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can
act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured
so as to ultimately lead to the ap- plication of more rarefied facets of
financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


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Written by a blonde senior person :

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call
from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a
whole year and I had had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go
'round. Just because I'm old doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for
themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just
hung up and I haven't heard back. . guess I must have won that silly
argument.

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Did you hear about the two Mexicans on 'That's Incredible'?
One had car insurance and the other was an only child!

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A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room
of their office building when the red head goes over to
the corner of the room.

She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second
then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.

The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the
stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'

The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the
stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes
like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


Sweeping and Mopping the Floors Have dog sweep floors with tail
and
lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit
cat... may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or
cat...well you are in trouble.... go find one roaming the neighbourhood
quick!

Vacuuming Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the
vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the
same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for
success: Don't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate.

Dusting Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right
before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't
even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes
away from your computer...and that just is unacceptable!) For the
illusion of using those products... spray a few squirts to air like air
freshener.

Laundry First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do
it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay...
lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes... run the dryer again...
and again and again... and when the utility bill comes.... have a
stroke!

Cleaning Toilet Close the lid.

Cleaning Shower Close the shower door or curtain.

Cleaning the Rest of the Bathroom Close the door. Again... for
the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath... pour some lysol in the trash
can... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty
the trash for you. Speaking of which......

Taking out the Trash If you cant find anyone in your house to
take it out... bribe a neighbour... say you hurt your back or some other
sob story...that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy
dinners out of the neighbour as well! Try not to use it too often...
they might get suspicious.

Dishes Dishwasher... if it doesn't come off run it again and
again...if that doesn't work... throw the dish out and start fresh.
Better yet... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far
better way to go... (as long as your neighbour is taking out the trash).
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No Nursing Home for me!

No nursing home for me. I am checking into the
Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home per day
reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get
old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations
at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount
and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves
$138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I
want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer,
dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and
all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a
customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire
staff scrambling to help you.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride
free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent
limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus
and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at
the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes.
Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not
stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even
from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn
there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a
mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for
the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.
The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will
call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip,
Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a
suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will
always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days
mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask
for? So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just
forward all my email to:me@Holiday.Inn


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other
five continued playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "
So, who is going to tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the
short one.

They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet, and be gentle.. Don't
make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'll be the most discreet
person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it
to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, and knocks on the
door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
home."

"TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World
War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right
to Pensacola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the
base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6
Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more
Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier
and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the
canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he
said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly
impoltant mistake!"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young couple was making passionate love in a van which was complete
with shag carpets and a double mattress.

Suddenly, the kinky girl yelled out, "Oh, big boy, whip me,
whip me!"

The man didn't want to pass up this unique opportunity. So, in a flash of
inspiration, he ran outside and snapped the aerial from the hood of the van.

He then proceeded to whip her until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic
ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the kinky sex were
beginning to fester, so she went to the doctor.

The doctor took one look at her wounds and said, "I don't suppose you got
these marks while having kinky sex."

The embarrassed girl admitted, "Yes, sir, they are."

The doctor nodded and remarked, "I thought so, because in all my years of
doctoring I've never seen such a bad case of van aerial disease
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 39 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 39 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old brunette.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman.

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Tree of Life

Life is like a tree full of monkeys,
all on limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down
and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up
and see nothing but arsholes

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day
and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very
upset. When the man finally realized that she was not happy
with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so
recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"

The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet baby!"

Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf
clubs in the back!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: "I
wanna know your last name." -- Mike Binder

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
WHAT IS IT???

Schwartzenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one

Madonna doesn't have one

The Pope has one but doesn't use his

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

George Burns' was hot

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

Get your mind out of the gutter...
The answer is: "A Last Name."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

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