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Saturday, June 17, 2006

Saturday Afternoon's chuckles



Puns and Riddles

Becoming a yoga instructor offers the possibilities of a unique
teaching position.

Years ago, changing TV channels from a sitting position was a remote
possibility.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is
on me."

Vinyl records are really groovy.

When scissors were first invented, they were on the cutting edge.

Junior wanted the lamp on at bedtime because he was a light sleeper.

Tight-rope walkers are high strung.

Old teachers never die they just lose their class.

Does a coffee shop have the grounds to operate in the black?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.

My rechargeable batteries are revolting. (Pun of the Day)

This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says,
"Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
Thirsty jokers can often be seen waiting in the punch line.

Didja hear what happened with the King of Mardi Gras last year? He
reign'd on their parade.

"My cooking left my husband cold." "He divorced you because of your
cooking?" "No, he died."

What did the heart doctor call the detour around the old maid's house?
A crone area bypass.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky
improves with age.

Didja hear about the escape artist who refused to perform his famous
Houdini-style trick on Friday the 13th because it was un-lock-key?

RIDDLES
How do you revive a drowning rodent?
Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

What's the difference between a cartoonist specializing in insects
and a garbage dump?
No difference--they both draw flies.

Why did Sally bring her skunk to school?
For show-and-smell!

What's the difference between a veterinarian and a vegetarian?
A veterinarian cares for animals and a vegetarian doesn't.

What kind of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers!

There was an old lady from Clyde
Who ate forty apples and died
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her insides

Headline: Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Old Cartoonists never die, they just draw their last breath.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

What do you get when you cross a tiger with a needle?
Pin stripes.

Why do you keep on doing the breast stroke?
I just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach
"Without Warning"



In class, the teacher was discussing starvation. She asked volunteers to come up to the chalkboard to draw their idea of starvation. Although Little Johnny was the only kid in class with his hand up the teacher called on Jose' because she knew better than to call on Little Johnny. So Jose' went up and drew a round circle on the board with a bunch of dots in the circle. The teacher asks him, "What is that Jose'?" Jose' replied, "Starvation is when all you have for dinner is a bunch of peas". The teacher said, "That's great Jose', but not quite what I'm looking for." She called on Suzy next, even though Little Johnny was the only one with his hand. Suzy went up and drew a circle and only put 2 dots in it. She explained to the teacher that starvation is only having two peas for dinner. Again the teacher said, "Well that's great, but not what I was looking for." Finally she called on Little Johnny even though she knew she'd regret it. Little Johnny came up and drew a big circle and then draws a bunch of scribbled lines in it. The teacher was thinking, well here it comes. She asked, "O.K. Little Johnny, tell us what your idea of starvation is." Little Johnny says, "Well, teacher, this circle is a big asshole, and all these scribbles are cob-webs!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?" "That all depends,..." she quickly responded. "...Your face, or mine?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor. "Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly." "I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly." "Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?" "I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?" The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg. "You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight." "Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man. "Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman goes into the doctor because she's missed a couple of periods and takes a test, revealing she's pregnant. So she goes into the doctor to confirm the results, and finds out she's about 3 1/2 months pregnant. "Hmmmm." she says. "Is this not good news?" he says to her. No, not necessarily. The problem is that I've been with 5 different guys in the past 4 months, I have no idea who the father could be!" Well, it looks as though you may want to contact each of them and have them come in for DNA testing. Then you'll know for sure." Said the Doc. "I can't do that." She says. "Why not?" The Doctor replies. "Because, they've changed their Screen Names!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q. Have you heard about the brown nosed duck? A. He could fly just as fast as the other ducks but couldn't stop as fast.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work. "What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her. "I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A young bridal couple went to a Hotel for their wedding night. The next day, the bride's closest friend came over and asked her how did she like her wedding night. She replied "I'm just awfully tired, dead tired. All night long it was up and down, in and out, in and out. Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket and stood there panting for a moment. "Well," said one, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

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