Saturday, June 10, 2006

Saturday Snickers

Why A Ship Is Called "SHE"
A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal of
bustle about her; there is usually a gang of men about,' she has a
waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good; it
is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep; she can
be all decked out; it takes an experienced man to handle her
correctly, and without a man at the helm, she is absolutely
uncontrollable. She shows her topsides, hides her bottom and, when
coming into port, always heads for the buoys.

I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for
vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver
is $300," said a cheery salesperson. "And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake by $99.00, but there is a
stopover." "Where?" "In Denver."

Did you hear what happened at the Anheuser-Bosch Brewery in Saint
Lewis? They had a major thunderstorm, and one of their big vats was
struck by lightning. They sent several inspectors to assess the
damage but found the vat unharmed. When the beer was aged and ready
for testing, the brew master found an unexpectedly fine flavor, the
most delicious beer the company had ever produced. He immediately
wrote the president of the company reporting that it was his belief
that this was the first case on record of a storm actually brewing.
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in
northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted
a HUGE moose 150 meters away. The engineer raised his gun and fired
at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters
to the right of the moose. The physicist, realizing that there was a
substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to
the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the
left of the moose. The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We
got him! We got him!

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record. He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them. He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was The pail and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby. He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby. He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you. She replied, Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him

I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong. Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said "Why me, Lord, Why me." All of a sudden there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said "Because Doug, there's something about you that just pisses me off."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you ... to leave."
Weird Fact of the Day:
Amtrak is the combination of the words "American" and "Track".

My son went to the local pharmacy where he purchased a six-pack of
Coca Cola and a paperback edition of "Of Human Bondage." He saw some
friends come in, put his packages on the counter and went over to
talk to them. When he returned the book was gone. He started
searching the premises. The pharmacist noticed him walking back and
forth and asked him if there was a problem. He answered, "I've found
my pop but I've lost my Maugham."

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had
just bought. "Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and
I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor
about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country
club and bought myself this set of golf clubs." "What did you buy
your wife?" the friend asked. The man said, "A new matching bicycle
and lawn mower."

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No, I can remember that." "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said. "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
Why did the student stand on his head?
To turn things over in his mind

What is a rabbit's favorite music?
Hip hop!

What happens when young dogs come in from the snow?
They become slush puppies!

Why do witches wear name tags?
So they know which witch is which!

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Concrete floors are very hard to crack!



At June 10, 2006 12:18 PM, Blogger Me said...

Now I need that back seat drivers license!! Thanks for coming by my blog and giving me your words of encouragement! I really need it these days:)


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