Friday, June 23, 2006

Saturday Snickers

~~#~~#~Tongue Twisters~#~~#~~~#
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Betty Botter had some butter, But," she said, "this butter's bitter. If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter-- that would make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, and she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter. So it was better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed blood.
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore. The shells she sells are surely seashells. So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised. Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
The boot black bought the black boot back
I'm not a pheasant plucker I'm a pheasant plucker's son I'm only plucking pheasants Till a pheasant plucker comes.
Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps.
Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.
What a shame such a shapely sash should such shabby stitches show.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
+*+*+The End+*+*+*+

George had just arrived at Base Camp and gone through the bewildering first day or two being allotted quarters, drawing uniform and bedding and being chased about by all and sundry with chevrons on their sleeves. On the third day, having been sent on an errand on the double, he lost his way and wandered into Base Headquarters. Here he passed the General without acknowledging his existence. "Soldier, come here!" said the General. George obediently walked up to the General and said politely, "Excuse me, Sir, did you call?" "Yes," said the General. "Why didn't you salute me?" "I'm sorry, Sir, I didn't know I had to. I'm new here and I'm still finding my way about." "OK, son, don't worry about it then. But a word of advice - look out for newly commissioned second lieutenants!"
A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yelled back, "Shut up! You're next!"

Top Ten Digital Bumper Stickers
1. Backups? We don’t need no steenking backups!
2. The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
3. You are SO off my Buddy List.
4. Don’t make me use uppercase!
5. No, this is NOT my boyfriend’s computer!
6. What boots up must come down...
7. Murphy’s best friend was a computer.
8. I am not a Geek. I’m a Level 12 Paladin.
9. There is no emoticon for what I’m feeling!
10. Vintage Geek (seen on a Commodore 64)
At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman. This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name. "Superman," he answered politely and without pause. The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ray answered, "Superman." Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records." Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."
31 Reasons to Buy a New Car
A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum.
Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
That plaque that says it was the first car ever driven by land speed record breaker Barney Goldfield.
You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
As you drive by people keep yelling, "Get a horse."
Your tires are so thin you can see the air inside them.
Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement.
Whenever you hit a pothole or speed bump the engine falls out.
The total on your last repair bill equaled the GDP of a certain small Asian nation.
The 15-Minute Jiffy Lube takes 3 days.
The "spark Adjustment" lever broke off and it'll be a pain to find a new one.
Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."
When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"
Replacement running boards just aren't made like they used to.
Your "Super-Heterodyne radio" keeps drifting off signal.
As you're leaving the parking lot after the County Fair demolition derby a salvage dealer offers you "50 bucks for the carcass."
It's been awhile since anyone has used the word "Phaeton" when referring to a body style.
Two words: Ford Edsel It might have something to do with that second "Totaled" stamp your insurance adjuster put on the title after your last fender bender.
Your 84 year old Mom drives a car that's sportier than yours.
While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway. You keep losing dates on left turns.
The ash trays are full and we all know what a hassle it is to empty them.
The novelty of that hand crank starter is wearing off.
The Duct tape you used to replace that right front fender is flagging again. It hasn't been the same since "The" Henry Ford borrowed it.
And the number one Reason it's time to get a new Car.........
Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

King David used to be a hero of mine, but not anymore," little Brodie told his mother after church one Sunday. "Why not, son?" "I learned today that he killed the Jolly Green Giant."
When my demanding mother found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day. I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone. So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her.
A lady walks into the bank and says, "I'd like to open a joint account, with anybody who has money to put in it." A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him my bills. There are more important things than money, but they all cost money Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.
A blonde woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats. If your absence won't make any difference, your presence won't either. A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn't feel like it.
Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

The Lawyer's Creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.
Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother:
"Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell
him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "Because we need the eggs."
My daughter was telling me about yesterday's trip to the zoo with my
granddaughter Andie, six. At one display she explained to Andie what
the very large turtle who approached them was. Andie said, "I get it!
It's because he's walking right tortoise!"
A number of years ago I went to a bar with some friends. After a few
brews I noticed a sign above the bar: "For Sale. 1985 Henway.
Excellent Condition. Make Offer." So I asked the bartender, "What's a
henway?" He says, "Oh, about three to four pounds"


The teacher in the bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of
Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard
you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat!" she began. "Now
the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or
two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month until you
loathe it." The woman paused, looked up and said.... "Hey, isn't that
the Atkins diet?"
In the USA, your state name means: -
Alabama, Means "tribal town" in the Creek Indian language. -
Alaska, after the Aleut word "alaxsxaq" meaning "the mainland." -
Arizona, based on Pima Indian word "arizonac" for "little spring place." -
Arkansas, a French interpretation of the word "acansa," in Sioux meaning "downstream place." -
California, comes from "Califia" a mythical paradise in old Spanish romance word. -
Colorado, means "Reddish" or "Color Red." -
Connecticut, based on Mohican and Algonquin Indian words for a "place beside a long river." -
Delaware, for the early Virginia governor, Lord De La Warr. -
Florida was a Spanish territory, and the name is in Spanish too. Florida means "Flowered." -
Georgia, Named for King George II of England -
Hawaii, which of course is in native Hawaian could be based on their word for homeland, "Owhyhee." -
Idaho, is just an invented word. -
Illinois, word in Algonquin Indian for "warriors."
-Indiana, from "Land of the Indians." -
Iowa, Indian word for "a beautiful land." -
Kansas, From the Sioux Indian for "south wind people." -
Kentucky, Based on the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten," meaning "land of tomorrow" -
Louisiana, Named in honor of France's King Louis XIV, this territory had French influence. -
Maine, Assumed to be a reference to the state region being a mainland, different from its many surrounding islands -
Maryland, named to honor Henrietta Maria, wife of England's King Charles I. -
Massachusetts, named after local Indian tribe whose name means "a large hill place." -
Michigan, for the Chippewa Indian word "meicigama" meaning "great water" (for the big lakes).
Minnesota, based on the Dakota Sioux Indian word for "sky-tinted water," referring to the Minnesota River or the state's many lakes. -
Mississippi, probably based on the Indian "mici zibi," loosely meaning great river. -
Missouri, named after the Missouri Indian tribe. -
Montana, based on the Spanish word "Montaña" that means Mountain. -
Nebraska, Name based on an Oto Indian word that means "flat water," referring to the Platte River. -
Nevada, comes from a Spanish word that means "snowy" or "snow-clad." -
New Hampshire, named after the area of Hampshire in England. -
New Jersey, named after the area of Jersey in England. -
New Mexico, from the country of Mexico. -
New York, named after the city of York in England. -
North Carolina, named in honor of England's King Charles I. -
North Dakota, for the Sioux or Dacotah Indians. -
Ohio, comes from the Iroquois Indian word for "good river." -
Oklahoma, a Choctaw Indian word for "red man." -
Oregon, may have been derived from that of the Wisconsin River shown on a 1715 French map as "Ouaricon-sint." -
Pennsylvania, for the Admiral William Penn, father of the state's founder, William Penn. -
Rhode Island, after "Roode Eylandt" by Adriaen Block, Dutch explorer, because of its red clay.
South Carolina (see North Carolina). -
South Dakota (see North Dakota). -
Tennessee, Named after Cherokee Indian villages called "Tanasi" -
Texas, comes from the Spanish "Tejas" when it belonged top Mexico (they exchanged the J for X as an English contribution). -
Utah, from the Ute Indians (people of the mountains). -
Vermont, from the French "verts monts," meaning green mountains. -
Virginia, named for England's "Virgin Queen," Elizabeth I. -
West Virginia (see Virginia). -
Washington, after the first President of the US. -
Wisconsin, from the word "Ouisconsin" believed to mean "grassy place" in the Cheppewa tongue. -
Wyoming, Indian word meaning "large prairie place."

If Your Over 40 ....

Carly Simon - You're So Varicose Vein
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
The Temptations - Papa Got a Kidney Stone
Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Give Me Arthritis
ABBA - Denture Queen
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom
Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Hair
The Beatles - I Get By with a Little Help From Depends
Steely Dan - Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Pee When You Want
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Prune Rising
Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
The Who - Talkin' 'Bout My Medication
The Troggs - Bald Thing....


At June 24, 2006 9:26 AM, Anonymous marge ingersol said...

I have a joke.
Why did Biff cross the road?
Because my networth was on the other side.



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